Merry Christmas Josh

We love you, Josh.

To the rest of the Westhaver clan, my thoughts have been with you the last few weeks. I can't even imagine how hard this time of year is for you.

all hail king of spain!

just home from life of riley's, where every table along the window side of the room was filled, overflowing, with theater folk come tonight to toast josh's memory. even more people than that, several who were at the theater working xmas carol tonight, said they were not going to make it to the bar, but would be raising a glass to him when they got home.

sitting at the table i thought josh would have liked this. actors, tech folk, directors, from so many different places in portland, sitting together and gabbing. remembering shows with old old friends, and some folks meeting each other for the first time. josh would have liked that. our smiling and being together.

god i'm sad. and somehow 'glad' to know others are too. not glad for the sadness or for his loss, but that there's a place to say so. and by saying so just try to mean, to say, how much he meant to me. i'm still not sure how to go on without him. and yet i'm certain he would say that i absolutely can figure out how to go on without him here. because he's nearby, somehow. just not 'here' here.

mysterious. and fragile. this way of tuning in and feeling his presence.

i am grateful for all the loving smiling and honest sadness in that room tonight.

blessed be.

I miss you Josh.

I was sitting on the couch when the call came. I had planed to see Josh at the hospital one more time with my wife and son but it wasn’t meant to be.

Erin’s voice choked back tears as she told me “Josh is gone. He’s gone.” I thanked her and hung up the phone as fast as I could. My heart broke for a second time. The first happened when I saw him in the intensive care unit the night before. I let out a loud wail and burst into tears. My 6th month old son smiled, as he must have thought I was doing some new wacky face he hadn’t seen before. I held him and cried.

Now it’s been a whole year today. There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about Josh. I have a dream almost monthly where we meet and talk. But I’ve just shut down my emotions when it comes to our dear friend. I hadn’t realized until this moment but I’ve been especially bitter this last year, like I’m in a permanent foul mood. Josh’s death brought me down more than I realized.

I really have so much to be thankful for, I truly do. I know Josh would never want me to be so sad. He’d want thoughts of him to bring joy, happiness and love. He’d want me… and you to cherish our memories of him, even if there was some sort of unfinished business; he would want us to be happy.

I’ve been avoiding most things “Josh” this last year and that’s just not a good thing.

But this sad anniversary has put things in perspective and so I’ve resolved to be more positive this next year for Josh’s memory and for my sake. It’s Josh absence that hurts not all the amazing recollections I have of him. It’s time to share more of them.

In this spirit I just set my itunes to Moxey Früvous. I haven’t listened to them in a long time. It feels good.

You were the best of us Josh.

One Gargantuan Beer

I wrote a very short tribute to our friend at my own blog.

The last time I saw him, we drank copious amounts of Mac & Jack's on a patio in Portland, and then washed it all down the next day at the Portland brew fest. One of my favorite days ever, and that was before he died. Now, that day is an indispensable memory.

I do wonder whether another Mac & Jack's will pass my lips without bringing on the sort of sorrow I can't currently elude.

for dear josh

every day i pass this door on my way to my dressing room.

tonight i'll bring flowers.

my heart's salute to all who are thinking of him today.

i miss him so much i stop in my tracks and get lost in it. then remember to keep walking.

one breath at a time.

i heard someone say once that grieving is praising.

josh, you are missed. you are loved.

Honoring Josh - Part II

Well, we had our big Halloween party last night. I always do a Day of the Dead altar as part of the festivities. There are some corn offerings, a paper mache painted skull, a cookie skull and other meaningful items. In the front is a wax aroma warmer, with the fabulous Ginger Pumpkin scent. I prefer to do the altar outside as we have a fairly spacious backyard with lots of trees. I was so happy I was able to have pictures of many of our friends and relatives as it wasn't raining this year!






We had a really wonderful time...Swinebread was able to bring Swinebread Jr.: who had a great time with our friend Becca, "The Big Cheese"!







We also did a quick ritual where we burned some herbs: Calendula (for Healing), Rosemary (for Remembrance), Wheat (for the Harvest), and Rose Petals (for the End of Summer and Remembrance). You can see some of the herbs that didn't quite make it into the fire on the bottom part of the fire pit.








I also had each guest bring carry out a votive candle to place on the altar anywhere of their choosing. Swinebread of course placed his right next to Josh's picture. Here's another photo of the altar with all the votives. I think it would be something Josh would have enjoyed sharing with us.



and some final thoughts to leave with you:

To catch the edge of night,
Walking between Sun and shadow,
Is to find the place where reality
Leaves off and magic begins.
In a time that is not a time,
Go softly, go slowly, and
Hope to catch a glimpse of
That which lies beyond
-Elizabeth Barrette

UP Halloween

I think I posted this picture already, but this is a great memory for me- Josh dressed up as Hazen for Halloween. Megan had a big party at her house and all the drama geeks were there. Good times. I think Hazen is dressed as Alice Cooper and Jim and Nathan are Hanz and Franz (obviously). I miss all of you very much.

Honoring Josh

I just wanted to let everyone one I will have Josh's picture on my Day of the Dead (AKA Dia de Los Muertos) altar during the Halloween weekend. Teasethedog graciously lent his permission for me to have a copy of his favorite picture of Josh (see previous post). Once the festivities are concluded, I will make another post complete with pictures.

Although my altar won't be a completely traditional Ofrenda, I will be decorating Sugar Skulls as part of the observance. I always leave the altar up until All Soul's Day on November 2nd.

Although there wasn't a post in September, I certainly was thinking about him during this Autumn season. Like everyone I'm sure, I was busy with a new full time job, and the whirlwind of school activities that parents like me often endure during the Fall. Best wishes to all and much love to Josh's family.

My Favorite Picture of Josh

I don't know where the high-res version of this photo is (I'll find it eventually), but this about sums everything up for me.

Taken at Takhlakh lake during a camping trip. I'll write the full story another time.

A Picture For You, Mark

A fond memory from me too, much the same as yours. Same vest, although by this point in the Mac and Jack's, the hat was off.

A Birthday Party...

So Swinebread, Shannanani, and myself had a little birthday get together for Josh this last Saturday night (08/08/09). We went to the Kennedy school to have dinner and see a movie. On behalf of Josh we enjoyed a couple of pitchers of McMinniman's Ruby (his favorite for those of you who might not know). It was a very nice evening. Josh would have enjoyed it.

It would have been nice to invite others along, but we couldn't think of anyone else we had contact info for. :(

Here is a picture of what i think Josh might have looked like at his b-day dinner...

Granted his hair probably would have been shorter.

Happy birthday Josh. We love and miss you...

Midnight On Sunday

It's more than a birthday. It's two birthdays in a manner of thinking. My friend had his proper birthday, then living only until December, and my wife escaped the clutches of death to survive him and bring me the constant gift that is my every day since.

Happy birthday, and thank you for everything, my dear friend. You cannot be missed more, and will never be missed less.

I’ve been avoiding posting… I’ve been going into a mild state of denial when it comes to Josh’s death. If I don’t post about him, if I don’t read about him, if I don’t think about him, then I might believe he’s still out there for a second, a sweet second where he’s still making that big laugh or helping somebody out with a big grin on his face.

I find I avoid listening to Moxy Früvous, They Might Be Giants and Sarcastic Mannequins now (three of my favorite bands). The songs from these groups are just too tied up in memories of Josh. Things like a long 24-hour trip up to Vancouver Canada where Josh and I discovered the Sarcastic Mannequins in a crazy dive called the Cruel Elephant. I always kinda felt that SM was “our” soundtrack. When it comes to TMBG, they take me right back to the house on Denver Street. Joseph had introduced both Josh and I to their music a few years earlier, but it was in that house where many a wild party was had that Josh and I played and played our They Might Be Giants CDs. When it comes to Moxy well… I introduced Josh to their music but Moxy just feels like Josh. I don’t really know how else to describe it. I remember Josh letting out a really huge laugh on “…and now I work at the Pizza Pizza” during the King of Spain song the first time he heard it. From that time on he was an immense fan. When I think of I think of Moxy… I think of Josh and vice versa.

I, like all of you, have had dreams of Josh. My subconscious won’t keep away from what my waking self tries to forget. That I miss Josh…. He was in theater, rehearsing for some musical. It was interesting because the theater was an amalgamation of the various spaces I have seen him in over the years. Many friends surrounded him but he was the star of the show of course.

August is a hard time because it was this month last year that I talked to Josh for the last time… via phone. He’d been avoiding me but still I sent him a birthday card. He called me up and we talked about my son. I really wanted him to see my little boy… but just like the months before he called Josh avoided me until his death.

Heavy Random thoughts as Josh’s Birthday approaches….


-Swinebread

It hits home

Finally, after almost seven months, I feel as if I can write. Thus far I've been observing from afar - not wanting Josh's death to be real, but knowing full well that it is. Football season finished up, baseball season started, and no Josh was there for me to talk sports with. No Josh was there for me to pester to come play poker. No Josh would be there again to laugh and smile the way I so cherish.

In the hospital, I work with my share of the dying. I see the families and friends gather around, saying phrases that seem comforting, but that have little reality. Many people live in denial. Up until now, I have been one of them.

Then came the dream. . .

I was in some type of living room with Josh. We were laughing, having fun, doing the silly things that I much remember doing with him when just hanging out. Another person entered the room, and as I talked with the person, I realized that even though he was still smiling, Josh had quit speaking. The person who had entered the room didn't even to seem to notice Josh. I engaged the new visitor for a while and then it hit me. Looking directly at Josh I said, "He can't see you can he?" To which Josh simply shook his head no. I don't remember what happened next, but eventually as I started to rouse from my sleep, the dream fading, I distinctly remember thinking, "I'll come back here again, because it's someplace where Josh is truly happy."

I've been to that room another time or two in my sleep since then. Josh remains his jovial self, unfazed by death. For that I am glad.

Josh, I miss you buddy.
Wes

june 11th

dear josh,

i remember. i love you. summer's almost here.

and to your family:

i remember. i love you. summer's almost here.

Josh Comics

NOTE: I started this post several months ago but I only recently was able to get back to it and finish it up.

I went and saw the Watchmen movie a few weeks ago and I thought it was a good film for the most part. I read the comic several times since it was first published, so I‘m familiar with the story. Needless to say, whether you liked the movie or not check out the comic for sure. Anyway, I’ve been sad because I can’t discuss the film version with Josh. I’d really like to know what he would have though about it. What he would have enjoyed and what he would have been critical of. I know Josh had read Watchmen, recognized its importance, and even owned a copy of the graphic novel for a while (he might have got it from me in fact) so I would have greatly valued his opinion.

Whenever I think about the Watchmen, Josh, strangely, is one the parts of my life that I think of. I remember being at Hollywood Lights at some point when Josh and I were discussing it. Eventually someone in the office asked us what Watchmen was and Josh tried to explain it. He said something like it was the “most important superhero comic ever written,” aping my words from earlier in the conversation. The response by the asker was kinda ho-hum, but I have always remembered the conversation, Josh and Watchmen are permanently fused in brain.

All of this pondering got me thinking about Josh and comic books in general. Josh enjoyed a good graphic story now and again but he was by no means the comic book freak that I am. Still, he collected X-men, Spiderman, and G.I. Joe comics when he was a kid in the 1980s. I still recall the first time I spent the night at his parents' house with me eagerly going through his collection and discussing the finer points of Kraven’s Last Hunt or the Longshot miniseries.

We were both collecting comics for a time in college but I actually quit before Josh did and he got caught up in the buying frenzy during the whole speculation boom and bust. I believe the crappy stories and gimmick, foil-laser covers of that period soured Josh on comic books somewhat and he became a much more discriminating reader. He only read what he considered to be quality stories from then on.

I was away from Oregon for a while in the 1990s but when I returned, I got back into comics again. Josh had completely forgotten about them and was eagerly pursuing his new addiction, Magic Cards. I was buying as many comics and trade paperbacks with my tiny budget as possible and I’d run as much of it by Josh as I could. He was receptive but he didn’t really like superheroes anymore so I stopped giving him those types of comics to read. Many of the titles I introduced him to were still on his shelf when he passed away. It brings me some comfort to know that Josh enjoyed these stories, stories I brought to him as a giddy comic book geek.

I know you all are missing Josh an awful lot just like I am, and sadly there is nothing we can do about it. But there are ways to get closer to the memory of him, to tap into the wonderfulness that was Josh. This blog is part of that and exploring some of the things that Josh enjoyed is another part. I know comics and comics are something Josh and I shared in common so that’s a part of Josh I wanted to contribute to all of you with this post. Here are some titles that Josh enjoyed.

Strangers In Paradise by Terry Moore–

I was looking for a replacement for Love and Rockets and started picking up this title because of the female, lead characters Francine and “Katchoo." It turned out to be a little too melodramatic for me but Josh really liked it. I ended up giving him my all my trades and Josh went on to buy more. Strangers In Paradise is famous for appealing to woman because of its realistic depiction of female relationships and nontraditional storytelling. If you can’t bring yourself to read any of the sci-fi, fantasy, stuff on this list than SIP is the title for you. Strangers In Paradise is cute, funny, honest, and relatable. On a sad note, Josh was wrapped up in school and didn’t get around the reading the end of the series. It’s currently collected in to six manga sized volumes.


Transmetropolitan by Warren Ellis with art by Darick Robertson-

Spider Jerusalem is the definitive gonzo journalist in "Thee" cyberpunk future to end all cyberpunk futures. Black humor wrapped up with political protest abounds in Transmetropolitan. Somebody’s gotta expose the slimy underbelly of the transhuman cesspool we’re gonna call home one day while giving a giant middle finger to the futuristic “me generation.” Josh had a bit of the of the rabble-rouser/anarchist spirit about him and I think that’s why he enjoyed this comic… or maybe it was simply Spider’s twofaced cat that smoked. I gave Josh an action figure of Spider Jerusalem for his birthday long ago. It used to sit on his desk at Hollywood Lights. I don’t know what became of it but I’d pick up that figure on the collectors market as it now reminds me of Josh.


Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud –
This is a bible of sorts on how comics work and what’s going on in your brain while you’re reading them. It’s very interesting especially for folks that are into theory. Some of the points made by McCloud in this title have been very controversial in the art community, but it’s a title that absolutely makes you think. That’s something that Josh greatly appreciated. McCloud showed (this was originally published in 1993) that comics could be so much more than what people have assumed they were. We’re only starting to realize the possibilities. Another aspect that makes Understanding Comics so great is that it uses the comic format to make its points. It is informative and entertaining all at the same time.


The Filth by Grant Morrison art by Chris Weston –

Man… how do I describe The Filth… hmmm this is simply impossible for me to do. Here’s a rundown from a booklist via Amazon.com:

The story opens when sad, middle-aged Greg Feely, whose only companions are a dying cat and porn videos, learns he is actually Ned Slade, top agent of the Hand, an organization dedicated to maintaining the social status quo by eliminating unhealthy variations--biological, technological, or sexual. As another agent observes, the Hand "wipes the arse of the world": the likes of Spartacus Hughes, an artificially grown personality who occupies various bodies; Anders Klimakks, an amnesiac porn star with super pheromones; and Max Thunderstone, a sociopath with drug-induced superpowers. Greg-Ned constantly struggles to reconcile his two wildly contradictory personalities. The Dan-Dare-meets-William-Burroughs epic encompasses such standard Morrison themes as nanotechnology, the absurdity of superheroics, a wide range of sexual expression, and, above all, conspiracy theories. Chris Weston's straightforward but imaginative art makes the wildly outrageous story convincing if not always comprehensible. Not everybody's kettle, but ideal for fans of "challenging" comics and sf.

Oh and here’s the last part of comment on Amazon.com from someone that liked the The Filth:
P.S. Do not let your children read this, it is quite possibly the most all-around offensive comic I have ever read. There is lots of sex, violence, swearing, and even drug use.

I bought this as Christmas present for Josh one year…


Preacher by Garth Ennis art by Steve Dillion -

Another title that I enjoyed and Josh really loved. Preacher is an irreverent take on religion (among other things) through the crazy modern-western adventures of Jessie Custer, a small town Texas preacher whose soul has been fused with that of an Angelic/Demonic crossbreed. There are all kinds of lusciously freaky characters in Preacher like the Saint of Killers, the ghost of John Wayne, the Irish Vampire Cassidy, Arseface, the Cyclops-like Lorrie Bobbs, and Herr Starr (the leader of a DaVinci code conspiracy). Traditional cowboy values collide with modern feminist anger in a nine-volume set that’s really about the search for God… because you see, God has abdicated his position in heaven and Jessie is pissed off just enough to find out WTF is going on and he ain’t gonna let anything stop him… Special note, Preacher also craps on all sides of the culture war that we have just been through and that alone makes it a must read.

ElfQuest by Wendy and Richard Pini -

When it comes to ElfQuest I get pretty sad. You see, Josh really loved this fantasy epic, so much so that he at one time had many different versions of these comics, and now it’s been announced that this series is will be made into a major motion picture. It pains me greatly, even more than Josh not seeing Watchmen, is the fact that Josh will never see the Elfquest film. Wendy and Richard Pini created Elfquest back in 1978 as a multipart story that concerns the survival of various tribes of Elves on a world with two Moons. Primitive humans and ugly trolls are just some of the troubles that the elves must deal with. ElfQuest is a sweet, sensual, magical, adventure that really reminds me a lot of Josh. If you want something imaginative and fanciful, but with hidden depth that sucks you into it’s sprawling plot, Elfquest is the comic for you. Plus, it has some nice reversals of gender stereotypes that were refreshingly ahead of its time.


Starman by James Robinson and Tony Harris -

This is sort of a special mention on my part. Starman is a series I really think Josh would have liked. I did give him the first three volumes to read, and he enjoyed them, but I misplaced the rest of books for a while and thus Josh never got to read the bulk of the Starman comics. This title is one of the few modern Superhero comics that I can really endorse. It’s actually an interesting revival of a long established DC Comics character. Jack Knight is the son of Ted Knight, the original Starman, but he is reluctant to take up the family business of superheroics and so he runs a collector/antique shop instead, that is until his father’s old nemesis, the Mist, comes back and kills his bother. Jack struggles with his bothers death while trying to fight the good fight that he never wanted. Jack has many adventures and various past iterations of heroes that have called themselves Starman are respectfully explored. This is one of the few times that DC Comics’ vast universe of history is an asset as the writer, James Robinson, spins amazing tales that touch on all aspects/versions of the character both great and small. Ultimately, Starman is about loss, family, and struggling with inner demons while trying save those things that make life worth living. Of course it’s all wrapped in superhero tropes but somehow Robnison makes it all so fresh and exciting you almost think he’d invented the superhero genre… he didn’t of course but he does reinvent it, and in a very good way because it’s about something.

Most of all, the character of Jack Knight simply reminds me of Josh. His love of his bother, his need to collect, his failed romances, his search for self-worth, his push to fight the good fight, his battles with self doubt, and his goatee (although its not nearly as long as Josh’s was) all hark back to our dear friend. If you are missing some of those delightful personality quirks that made Josh Josh, Starman IMHO is the place to get a tiny sweet taste of what we loved about him so much.




-Swinebread

Still miss you buddy

I just didn't want April to go by without a post for Josh.

So i'm watching "High Fidelity" tonight and i've never noticed it before, but Josh could have played John Cusack's part quite well. I know it isn't quite the part that Josh was usually cast for, but there are quite a few moments where i see these little mannerisms that i remember seeing Josh do.

I dunno...

Maybe i'm just imprinting.

Two Friends Gone in less than 2 Years...

These are pictures of Josh and my dog Bear rough-housing. They were good friends. Bear died of cancer back in May of '07 if i remember correctly.

Josh really loved my dog(s). He would always stop to greet them as soon as he came into our home. There would always be some pets and kisses, and then the playing would commence.

One of the sweetest most devoted things Josh ever did for me and my family was to come to my home the day we had to put Bear to sleep. We were lucky enough to have a vet who had told us when the time came, they would come to us. (The folks at the vet loved Bear and were in tears when they found out that he had cancer.) That time came i believe on Mother's Day. I tried calling a couple of my friends that were closer first to see if they could come and help me. We were going to have to get Bear into the back of the vets truck afterward. Bear weighed over a 100 pounds. In life i could lift him by myself, but i wasn't sure what i would be able to do after he was dead. I managed to get a hold of Josh and told him what the situation was. He dropped everything and came over right before or after Mother's Day dinner with his family.

Josh supported us that day and helped me get Bear out to the vet's truck so he could be cremated. That's the kind of person Josh was and i loved him for it.

I never thought that less than two years later i would be mourning them both. I see them a lot in my dreams now. And they still play.

My dogs were some of Josh's favorite subjects to shoot with his camera. I include a couple of those shots below.

Her Kinda Guy

My mother-in-law is in town. She’s a great lady and we get along swell despite the fact that I don’t speak Japanese and she speaks only a little English.

I was doing a quick post when my wife noticed that I was on this blog and she called her mom over to take a look. You see, my mother-in-law had actually met Josh in 2005 and was very sad to hear that he had passed away. I played the memorial video (see here) and she marveled at how handsome he was when he was young and clean cut.

This gave me a little chuckle because way back in 2005 after she meet Josh, she told her daughter that she found Josh attractive and the he was her kinda guy. Well, I found this amusing and cute. Mrs. Swinebread on the other hand was stunned because she really didn’t want to know her own mother’s likes and dislikes when it came to men. I can understand my wife's feeling but to me her mother's innocent statement was like noticing the attractiveness of a good actor or public figure. Plus, Josh was such a kind, gentle soul that I think my mother-in-law found his caring demeanor very charming.

I never told Josh that my mother-in-law from Japan found him to be a good looking guy as I thought he might feel a little weird about it.

Josh appealed to folks on so many levels and this fun little memory reminded me that one of those levels was sexiness. Josh was a sexy guy. He was appealing in that shy, quiet way. I obviously didn’t think about this very much being his friend and all but for some of you gals out there, I know it’s another facet of Josh you will miss. It’s just one more way he was your kinda guy.



-Swinebread

Josh Google Day

I've been periodically googling Josh's name in the image function and finally pictures of Josh are coming up.

see here

It's good to see my smiling buddy out there on the net and I'm so glad it is because of this blog that Josh is now showing up.


-Swinebread

Home and the Kitsch That Builds It

I've had my new home here in Billings now for 20 days. Boxes are slowly opening, and their contents march to their homes on shelves and small tables. 55-degree days are punctuated by snowy ones (I hear that this weekend will be no different), and old pictures taken of and by Josh smile happily when I pluck their frames from their newsprint packing material.

I listen to Moxy Fruvous. I listen to the words. "Your mother made you cry when she told you about the womb, and how people die."

The photo of Josh at Larrabee hangs in my studio. The photo Joshua took of my wife and me stands poised on a shelf above my favorite books.

I am reminded every day now that my house is less of a home for the loss of his presence, and that the photographs are a cold, vivid loneliness in comparison to the companionship I have enjoyed all these years.

Acceptance is a bitter, bitter swill. I miss my friend.

The Rest of The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men

Here we go with the rest of the show

Scenes 4, 5, & 6



Scenes 7 & 8



Scene 9



Scenes 10 & 11



Scene 12



-Swinebread

More of Josh as Gilbert

Here I've posted the third scene from The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men. It has a bunch of wonderful Josh moments and that great Josh stage presence we love so much.

There is a scene 2 (of course) with the supervillan The It From Otherwhere, wherein she hatches her plans against the Amazing Men, but this scene does not have Josh. If you'd like to view this before you watch scene 3 check it out here

This is the third scene


-Swinebread

Josh as Gilbert the Sidekick in The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men

The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men is a one-act play written by Joseph Limbaugh. This play was performed in the Mago Hunt Center on January 31st and February 1st in 1992 in Portland Oregon as part of Joseph's senior project.

Josh was wonderful in his role as Gilbert. You can see all things we loved about him in this performance. He always had a special place in his heart for this show as he would often included it on his acting resume'.

In this 1st scene we are introduced to the Amazing Men.




More Amazing Men as I upload the videos.


-Swinebread

Superbowl

Anyone have any thoughts on who Josh would have liked to see win this year? Maybe some of the football fans can chime in on this one. I'm pretty sure he would have been watching it today...

Josh and Mark come to Yakima.

I was looking on an old hard drive when I came across these pictures. It was about 4 years ago, Mark and Josh made a road trip up to Yakima to visit. We had a lot of fun that weekend, just look at Mark's face, that says it all.

If my memory were better

I met Josh on my first day at Hollywood Lights in Portland. I remember the stacks of Mountain Dew boxes in his office. Looking over the boxes in awe, I said, "You must love drinking fresh-brewed black tea." Josh laughed. I'll never forget the way his laugh sounded; it was happiness within happiness.

Josh was a wonderful friend. There are things I look back on knowing for certain that I'll never do them again, and there are others I hope to do frequently. An example of the former: as a thank-you for the dozens of times Josh provided me with a place to sleep in Portland (so far), I made Steak Au Poivre, hand-cut, and all the trimmings-- complete with a nice bottle of red wine-- all bought with rebates from a "Kenny van" filled to capacity with empty Mountain Dew cans. Nickels have never been tastier. An example of the latter: one of Josh's favorite places we went was Mount Rainier. We drove the entire road from north to south in one day. Whenever I think of Rainier, I think of my friend.

We talked often about the "Big Bloom", a period of time in May when the wildflowers at Hurricane Ridge on the Olympic Peninsula are particularly ablaze. When we hiked to the top of Hurricane Hill, Josh laughed heartily, took a drag from his inhaler, and ate a bagel-- the smile never left his face.

I last saw Josh in Portland last summer. I was in Portland for a TV show, and I called Josh to see what he was up to. The crew for our show had all moved away, so Josh helped out with the shoot and spent some time on camera as well. I introduced him to my daughter, who predictably took to him. Since we were covering the Brewfest, we had quite a few tokens to go around. Josh and I used them all. I am glad to remember the last day we had together was a full day running through the park and joking with one another.

That brings me to his acting. I don't think I've ever regarded another actor's talent so highly. Josh was the definition of inviting gravitas on stage.

The wound left by his departure is deep and profound for both me and my wife. I still have the urge to call him and tell him how sorry I am that this happened to him; so much so that I have forced myself to erase his name from my address book. I look at pictures from Christmas, and I realize that he was already gone when they were taken. It casts a pall on everything I have done since December, and adds an even greater pain to being so far away from every person I care about the most.

My only hope is that I can find a fraction of Josh's emotional grace to help me when all this denial goes away. I miss Josh. I miss the conversations. I miss his company in Seattle. I miss his home in Portland. I miss the magic card marathons that were bathed in cigarette smoke and whiskey where he would talk ominously about Mark's "Black Deck". I miss the impromptu trips up the gorge. More than anything, I miss his presence in my life; I'd be severely tasked to ever find a better man as long as I live.

The Ultimate Magic Hour Shot

I've only known about Josh for a week.  Everything I've written so far has read back as trivial to me.  While I try to write something more coherent, I'll post my favorite photograph Josh took.  We were on one of our many trips, and the lighting was perfect.  Josh called it his "Ultimate Magic Hour" shot.

I miss my friend horribly.

Talented, Giving, and oh so much fun!

My 2 favorite shows I was in with Josh: Actors Nightmare and 5th of July. Josh was always a joy to work with. He was also my partner for the Irene Ryans. He was just a fun and funny person and it was a joy to be on stage with that kind of energy.

Reunion

This was one of my favorite days. A reunion after our friend got back from his service in the Army. Remember how he disappeared one day after cutting his hair? Josh was as happy to have him home( as were all of us).

I have some more pictures from our college days I am going to upload. (I am a bit tech challenged so hopefully this works.)

The Snow

After Josh died a snowstorm descended.

The bitter, cold weather seemed to manifest how trapped and lonely I felt.

It hurt to go outside… it hurt to stay indoors.

A month later all the snow is gone except a miniature glacier that rapidly dissolves in the march to spring.

The shock of my best friend’s absence fades like that patch of ice.

But the cold remains

Jen has uploaded all the photos from Josh's memorial service to a picasa album.

Please go and Check them out here

Thanks Jen and thanks to all who submitted photos in memory of Josh.

Jen also would like to add more Photos too.


-Swinebread

A month without Josh and counting...

I think of him every day. Which is odd, because when he was here i didn't do that.

Miss you Josh.

Mr. Snazzy Pants

Okay, so this photo is the mid-90's. I think this was maybe even before the famous hat came into our house... Brian and Josh and I were down in the basement of our little apartment. They had just wrestled their Grandmother Maxine's (at least I think it was hers) desk downstairs. It was like our first piece of real furniture! It was beautiful and Josh and I loved having it there. (and if my memory is wrong, pleeeeze correct me Brian or Alan!)

Anyway, the other point is - the pants. He and I could basically share a wardrobe - though I think he wore smaller jeans than me. But these two outfits we are wearing, well, they were interchangeable. Sometimes I wore the white pants, he wore the blue ones, or I'd grab the black turtleneck. We went to a Halloween party once dressed/acting as each other - if anyone has photos from that I'd LOVE to see them. It was absolutely hysterical.

So here we are - Mr. and Mrs. (or soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs.) Snazzy Pants!

Reliably Funny and Friendly

I met Josh in 1998 when I started working at Hollywood Lights. The thing that I always loved about Josh is it didn't matter how long it had been since you had seen him, it was like no time passed at all. He was reliably funny and friendly and I was always sad when we had to part company again. 

The last time I saw Josh was at my Wedding. We played a great game of frisbee before the ceremony. Candice and I were grateful he was there for our wedding day. 

I have great memories of Josh that will always stay with me. I'm a better person because he was in my life. The world has lost a great man, he will be missed greatly.

How Josh and I Met and Became Friends - or - "Poker Face, Josh"

I started working at Hollywood Lights around March or April of '98. I was brought on to help get ready for their 50th anniversary. I wouldn't actually meet or get to know Josh for another 2 or 3 months after starting there. It seems odd that it took that long given what i know of Josh from the past 10 1/2 years. I'm guessing it's just because there was the 50th stuff happening, and I'm guessing around that time there was probably also inventory going on.

When we did finally meet i think it was sometime around the end of May or beginning of June that year. My cousin Ryan and I were into playing Magic: The Gathering and he was working at Hollywood then too. During lunches we started playing games in the break room. One of our coworkers took note of this. I don't remember who exactly. At any rate they introduced me to Josh and told him i played Magic. Josh also played Magic and suggested we get together sometime and play.

Sometime shortly there after we did. I don't really remember much about those first games. But I do remember that he had been out of the game for a while, that i had been playing a lot, and that i trounced him a bit in the beginning. I also remember that when he happened to draw a card he needed his face would light up. Since we shared our decks with one another i usually knew what he had drawn when i saw his face light up and would say something like, "Pulled that Serra Angel you needed, huh?" He would smile and then feign ignorance and say something like, "Whatever do you mean?" This evolved to "Nice poker face, Josh." And eventually, "Poker face, Josh." His response then being to laugh or smile.

This went on all summer. This was because I kind of took advantage of Josh and because he was a sweet heart of a man. You see, my crappy little truck had only one working door and only one of the windows rolled down about an inch or two. So driving home at rush hour in summer heat was brutal. Most every work day that summer i went to Josh's after work and we played Magic or hung out until sundown, and then i would drive home.

I think this one of the main reasons that Josh became so important to me. We both knew i was taking advantage of the situation, but Josh knew that i needed a refuge until the sun went down, and most of that summer was willing to let his home be that place.

A Josh Self-portrait

Back when Josh and I were in college together we played a lot of roleplaying games. For one campaign the GM actually had us playing ourselves rather than the usual fictional characters. Both Josh and I liked to draw various subjects from our gaming adventures and so on one occasion Josh decided to sketch himself. While going through some old papers I found this drawing from 1992.

You'll note that Josh decided to put a frame around himself. He is wearing his tree frog T-shirt that he owned at that time and he also has knee pads on just in case he got into a fight with the bad guys. It's funny how he looks so serious here when my memories of Josh are mostly of him smiling or laughing.


-Swinebread

I met Allison today and we went through some photos. I had time to scan a few of them in.

This great one is aPolaroid of Josh with his brother Brian (left). I think this is from about 1991.

Please correct me if I'm wrong about the year.

Time Well Spent

I’ve been trying to write something eloquent about Josh and the New Year for a couple days but it just hasn’t been in me. All I know is that I miss him terribly and I’m not really sure I can express it in a written organized fashion. I’m much better with the image, both still and moving, rather than prose. That’s why I updated the header with pictures of Josh instead.

I don’t have a lot of memories of Josh around the Holidays because, I assume, that he was spending his time with his family, as it should be. I do recall one occasion though on December 31st 1999. My whole family had gone out of town for the New Year’s holiday but I chose to stay behind. Josh rang me up and invited me to hang out with him. He was heading out to McMinnville to lend moral support to the Hollywood Lights folks that had to work New Year’s at Spirit Mountain Casino.

We didn’t really do much of anything but watch Mark play video games, make fun of the lame news broadcasts from around the world, and walk around the nearly abandoned streets at midnight. It’s funny because there was no big party and yet… I have so very clear memories of that night and morning… because I was with Josh.

I was somewhat overwhelmed by the coming of the year 2000 because I hadn’t really thought about my life beyond the 20th Century. The time period beyond the year 2000 was the future and that was it. Now I find that I’m having that same feelings again but with extreme sadness and loss rather than wonderment. I’m approaching middle age and I realize that if I’m blessed with any sort of longish life I’ll have decades without Josh. I try not to dwell on things like this too much but on New Year’s Day it’s hard not to.

I was honored to call Josh my friend for nineteen years and I started this blog so that I could still make wonderful discoveries about him despite the fact that he's gone for all the New Year's to come.