Friday, December 11, 2009

I miss you Josh.

I was sitting on the couch when the call came. I had planed to see Josh at the hospital one more time with my wife and son but it wasn’t meant to be.

Erin’s voice choked back tears as she told me “Josh is gone. He’s gone.” I thanked her and hung up the phone as fast as I could. My heart broke for a second time. The first happened when I saw him in the intensive care unit the night before. I let out a loud wail and burst into tears. My 6th month old son smiled, as he must have thought I was doing some new wacky face he hadn’t seen before. I held him and cried.

Now it’s been a whole year today. There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about Josh. I have a dream almost monthly where we meet and talk. But I’ve just shut down my emotions when it comes to our dear friend. I hadn’t realized until this moment but I’ve been especially bitter this last year, like I’m in a permanent foul mood. Josh’s death brought me down more than I realized.

I really have so much to be thankful for, I truly do. I know Josh would never want me to be so sad. He’d want thoughts of him to bring joy, happiness and love. He’d want me… and you to cherish our memories of him, even if there was some sort of unfinished business; he would want us to be happy.

I’ve been avoiding most things “Josh” this last year and that’s just not a good thing.

But this sad anniversary has put things in perspective and so I’ve resolved to be more positive this next year for Josh’s memory and for my sake. It’s Josh absence that hurts not all the amazing recollections I have of him. It’s time to share more of them.

In this spirit I just set my itunes to Moxey Früvous. I haven’t listened to them in a long time. It feels good.

You were the best of us Josh.
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4 comments:

  1. h e r e x a c t l yDecember 12, 2009 at 12:07 AM

    brave of you to reset your itunes, friend.
    i can only speak for myself, but guess others would say the same: i'm holding space for you in your grief, and i honor it. because it's your way of honoring him -- whom we love so much.

    take good care. and thank you for being here and speaking (writing!) your heart.

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  2. mlulrichDecember 12, 2009 at 10:18 AM

    I know exactly how you feel, Swine. I think it's very rare that a day goes by that i don't think of our dear friend. But like you, i found it so difficult to come back here over and over. Grief is a very necessary and dangerous thing. It's important that we never forget Josh nor let his memory fade, but not at the cost of our lives or own happiness. Very much easier said than done. Believe me, i know.

    Rather than wallowing in grief today i'm going to try and celebrate his memory by doing something that we both loved. Painting some minis. :) Because Josh can't do it anymore i feel the need to do it for both of us. I know that sounds silly, but it is what it is.

    Stay strong Swine. Josh would have wanted it that way. :)

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  3. HypatiaDecember 17, 2009 at 8:52 AM

    Thanks Swinebread, for letting us in on your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it helps to share, maybe make the burden a little lighter for another person who is struggling with his loss too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. ladybugDecember 17, 2009 at 12:59 PM

    Ditto all of the above...and I'm also thinking of Josh's family. This must be an especially difficult time of year for them. Please extend my heartfelt thoughts and cyber hugs to them for me.

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