Memories of Joshua Westhaver

I’ve been avoiding posting… I’ve been going into a mild state of denial when it comes to Josh’s death. If I don’t post about him, if I don’t read about him, if I don’t think about him, then I might believe he’s still out there for a second, a sweet second where he’s still making that big laugh or helping somebody out with a big grin on his face.

I find I avoid listening to Moxy Früvous, They Might Be Giants and Sarcastic Mannequins now (three of my favorite bands). The songs from these groups are just too tied up in memories of Josh. Things like a long 24-hour trip up to Vancouver Canada where Josh and I discovered the Sarcastic Mannequins in a crazy dive called the Cruel Elephant. I always kinda felt that SM was “our” soundtrack. When it comes to TMBG, they take me right back to the house on Denver Street. Joseph had introduced both Josh and I to their music a few years earlier, but it was in that house where many a wild party was had that Josh and I played and played our They Might Be Giants CDs. When it comes to Moxy well… I introduced Josh to their music but Moxy just feels like Josh. I don’t really know how else to describe it. I remember Josh letting out a really huge laugh on “…and now I work at the Pizza Pizza” during the King of Spain song the first time he heard it. From that time on he was an immense fan. When I think of I think of Moxy… I think of Josh and vice versa.

I, like all of you, have had dreams of Josh. My subconscious won’t keep away from what my waking self tries to forget. That I miss Josh…. He was in theater, rehearsing for some musical. It was interesting because the theater was an amalgamation of the various spaces I have seen him in over the years. Many friends surrounded him but he was the star of the show of course.

August is a hard time because it was this month last year that I talked to Josh for the last time… via phone. He’d been avoiding me but still I sent him a birthday card. He called me up and we talked about my son. I really wanted him to see my little boy… but just like the months before he called Josh avoided me until his death.

Heavy Random thoughts as Josh’s Birthday approaches….


-Swinebread