I've thought about Josh all weekend knowing his Birthday was coming.

It was around his birthday in 2008 that Josh finally called me after almost a year of not hearing from or seeing him.

My wife and I had sent him a card for his B-day.

We talked about hum drum stuff and his concerns for his college degree.

I really wanted to set a date for him to meet my son, but I didn't want to put a lot of pressure on Josh.

Still now, and after I found out he died, I wish I had.

I miss you Josh.


Thinking of you always...

I miss you Josh.

I was sitting on the couch when the call came. I had planed to see Josh at the hospital one more time with my wife and son but it wasn’t meant to be.

Erin’s voice choked back tears as she told me “Josh is gone. He’s gone.” I thanked her and hung up the phone as fast as I could. My heart broke for a second time. The first happened when I saw him in the intensive care unit the night before. I let out a loud wail and burst into tears. My 6th month old son smiled, as he must have thought I was doing some new wacky face he hadn’t seen before. I held him and cried.

Now it’s been a whole year today. There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about Josh. I have a dream almost monthly where we meet and talk. But I’ve just shut down my emotions when it comes to our dear friend. I hadn’t realized until this moment but I’ve been especially bitter this last year, like I’m in a permanent foul mood. Josh’s death brought me down more than I realized.

I really have so much to be thankful for, I truly do. I know Josh would never want me to be so sad. He’d want thoughts of him to bring joy, happiness and love. He’d want me… and you to cherish our memories of him, even if there was some sort of unfinished business; he would want us to be happy.

I’ve been avoiding most things “Josh” this last year and that’s just not a good thing.

But this sad anniversary has put things in perspective and so I’ve resolved to be more positive this next year for Josh’s memory and for my sake. It’s Josh absence that hurts not all the amazing recollections I have of him. It’s time to share more of them.

In this spirit I just set my itunes to Moxey Früvous. I haven’t listened to them in a long time. It feels good.

You were the best of us Josh.

I’ve been avoiding posting… I’ve been going into a mild state of denial when it comes to Josh’s death. If I don’t post about him, if I don’t read about him, if I don’t think about him, then I might believe he’s still out there for a second, a sweet second where he’s still making that big laugh or helping somebody out with a big grin on his face.

I find I avoid listening to Moxy Früvous, They Might Be Giants and Sarcastic Mannequins now (three of my favorite bands). The songs from these groups are just too tied up in memories of Josh. Things like a long 24-hour trip up to Vancouver Canada where Josh and I discovered the Sarcastic Mannequins in a crazy dive called the Cruel Elephant. I always kinda felt that SM was “our” soundtrack. When it comes to TMBG, they take me right back to the house on Denver Street. Joseph had introduced both Josh and I to their music a few years earlier, but it was in that house where many a wild party was had that Josh and I played and played our They Might Be Giants CDs. When it comes to Moxy well… I introduced Josh to their music but Moxy just feels like Josh. I don’t really know how else to describe it. I remember Josh letting out a really huge laugh on “…and now I work at the Pizza Pizza” during the King of Spain song the first time he heard it. From that time on he was an immense fan. When I think of I think of Moxy… I think of Josh and vice versa.

I, like all of you, have had dreams of Josh. My subconscious won’t keep away from what my waking self tries to forget. That I miss Josh…. He was in theater, rehearsing for some musical. It was interesting because the theater was an amalgamation of the various spaces I have seen him in over the years. Many friends surrounded him but he was the star of the show of course.

August is a hard time because it was this month last year that I talked to Josh for the last time… via phone. He’d been avoiding me but still I sent him a birthday card. He called me up and we talked about my son. I really wanted him to see my little boy… but just like the months before he called Josh avoided me until his death.

Heavy Random thoughts as Josh’s Birthday approaches….


-Swinebread

Josh Comics

NOTE: I started this post several months ago but I only recently was able to get back to it and finish it up.

I went and saw the Watchmen movie a few weeks ago and I thought it was a good film for the most part. I read the comic several times since it was first published, so I‘m familiar with the story. Needless to say, whether you liked the movie or not check out the comic for sure. Anyway, I’ve been sad because I can’t discuss the film version with Josh. I’d really like to know what he would have though about it. What he would have enjoyed and what he would have been critical of. I know Josh had read Watchmen, recognized its importance, and even owned a copy of the graphic novel for a while (he might have got it from me in fact) so I would have greatly valued his opinion.

Whenever I think about the Watchmen, Josh, strangely, is one the parts of my life that I think of. I remember being at Hollywood Lights at some point when Josh and I were discussing it. Eventually someone in the office asked us what Watchmen was and Josh tried to explain it. He said something like it was the “most important superhero comic ever written,” aping my words from earlier in the conversation. The response by the asker was kinda ho-hum, but I have always remembered the conversation, Josh and Watchmen are permanently fused in brain.

All of this pondering got me thinking about Josh and comic books in general. Josh enjoyed a good graphic story now and again but he was by no means the comic book freak that I am. Still, he collected X-men, Spiderman, and G.I. Joe comics when he was a kid in the 1980s. I still recall the first time I spent the night at his parents' house with me eagerly going through his collection and discussing the finer points of Kraven’s Last Hunt or the Longshot miniseries.

We were both collecting comics for a time in college but I actually quit before Josh did and he got caught up in the buying frenzy during the whole speculation boom and bust. I believe the crappy stories and gimmick, foil-laser covers of that period soured Josh on comic books somewhat and he became a much more discriminating reader. He only read what he considered to be quality stories from then on.

I was away from Oregon for a while in the 1990s but when I returned, I got back into comics again. Josh had completely forgotten about them and was eagerly pursuing his new addiction, Magic Cards. I was buying as many comics and trade paperbacks with my tiny budget as possible and I’d run as much of it by Josh as I could. He was receptive but he didn’t really like superheroes anymore so I stopped giving him those types of comics to read. Many of the titles I introduced him to were still on his shelf when he passed away. It brings me some comfort to know that Josh enjoyed these stories, stories I brought to him as a giddy comic book geek.

I know you all are missing Josh an awful lot just like I am, and sadly there is nothing we can do about it. But there are ways to get closer to the memory of him, to tap into the wonderfulness that was Josh. This blog is part of that and exploring some of the things that Josh enjoyed is another part. I know comics and comics are something Josh and I shared in common so that’s a part of Josh I wanted to contribute to all of you with this post. Here are some titles that Josh enjoyed.

Strangers In Paradise by Terry Moore–

I was looking for a replacement for Love and Rockets and started picking up this title because of the female, lead characters Francine and “Katchoo." It turned out to be a little too melodramatic for me but Josh really liked it. I ended up giving him my all my trades and Josh went on to buy more. Strangers In Paradise is famous for appealing to woman because of its realistic depiction of female relationships and nontraditional storytelling. If you can’t bring yourself to read any of the sci-fi, fantasy, stuff on this list than SIP is the title for you. Strangers In Paradise is cute, funny, honest, and relatable. On a sad note, Josh was wrapped up in school and didn’t get around the reading the end of the series. It’s currently collected in to six manga sized volumes.


Transmetropolitan by Warren Ellis with art by Darick Robertson-

Spider Jerusalem is the definitive gonzo journalist in "Thee" cyberpunk future to end all cyberpunk futures. Black humor wrapped up with political protest abounds in Transmetropolitan. Somebody’s gotta expose the slimy underbelly of the transhuman cesspool we’re gonna call home one day while giving a giant middle finger to the futuristic “me generation.” Josh had a bit of the of the rabble-rouser/anarchist spirit about him and I think that’s why he enjoyed this comic… or maybe it was simply Spider’s twofaced cat that smoked. I gave Josh an action figure of Spider Jerusalem for his birthday long ago. It used to sit on his desk at Hollywood Lights. I don’t know what became of it but I’d pick up that figure on the collectors market as it now reminds me of Josh.


Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud –
This is a bible of sorts on how comics work and what’s going on in your brain while you’re reading them. It’s very interesting especially for folks that are into theory. Some of the points made by McCloud in this title have been very controversial in the art community, but it’s a title that absolutely makes you think. That’s something that Josh greatly appreciated. McCloud showed (this was originally published in 1993) that comics could be so much more than what people have assumed they were. We’re only starting to realize the possibilities. Another aspect that makes Understanding Comics so great is that it uses the comic format to make its points. It is informative and entertaining all at the same time.


The Filth by Grant Morrison art by Chris Weston –

Man… how do I describe The Filth… hmmm this is simply impossible for me to do. Here’s a rundown from a booklist via Amazon.com:

The story opens when sad, middle-aged Greg Feely, whose only companions are a dying cat and porn videos, learns he is actually Ned Slade, top agent of the Hand, an organization dedicated to maintaining the social status quo by eliminating unhealthy variations--biological, technological, or sexual. As another agent observes, the Hand "wipes the arse of the world": the likes of Spartacus Hughes, an artificially grown personality who occupies various bodies; Anders Klimakks, an amnesiac porn star with super pheromones; and Max Thunderstone, a sociopath with drug-induced superpowers. Greg-Ned constantly struggles to reconcile his two wildly contradictory personalities. The Dan-Dare-meets-William-Burroughs epic encompasses such standard Morrison themes as nanotechnology, the absurdity of superheroics, a wide range of sexual expression, and, above all, conspiracy theories. Chris Weston's straightforward but imaginative art makes the wildly outrageous story convincing if not always comprehensible. Not everybody's kettle, but ideal for fans of "challenging" comics and sf.

Oh and here’s the last part of comment on Amazon.com from someone that liked the The Filth:
P.S. Do not let your children read this, it is quite possibly the most all-around offensive comic I have ever read. There is lots of sex, violence, swearing, and even drug use.

I bought this as Christmas present for Josh one year…


Preacher by Garth Ennis art by Steve Dillion -

Another title that I enjoyed and Josh really loved. Preacher is an irreverent take on religion (among other things) through the crazy modern-western adventures of Jessie Custer, a small town Texas preacher whose soul has been fused with that of an Angelic/Demonic crossbreed. There are all kinds of lusciously freaky characters in Preacher like the Saint of Killers, the ghost of John Wayne, the Irish Vampire Cassidy, Arseface, the Cyclops-like Lorrie Bobbs, and Herr Starr (the leader of a DaVinci code conspiracy). Traditional cowboy values collide with modern feminist anger in a nine-volume set that’s really about the search for God… because you see, God has abdicated his position in heaven and Jessie is pissed off just enough to find out WTF is going on and he ain’t gonna let anything stop him… Special note, Preacher also craps on all sides of the culture war that we have just been through and that alone makes it a must read.

ElfQuest by Wendy and Richard Pini -

When it comes to ElfQuest I get pretty sad. You see, Josh really loved this fantasy epic, so much so that he at one time had many different versions of these comics, and now it’s been announced that this series is will be made into a major motion picture. It pains me greatly, even more than Josh not seeing Watchmen, is the fact that Josh will never see the Elfquest film. Wendy and Richard Pini created Elfquest back in 1978 as a multipart story that concerns the survival of various tribes of Elves on a world with two Moons. Primitive humans and ugly trolls are just some of the troubles that the elves must deal with. ElfQuest is a sweet, sensual, magical, adventure that really reminds me a lot of Josh. If you want something imaginative and fanciful, but with hidden depth that sucks you into it’s sprawling plot, Elfquest is the comic for you. Plus, it has some nice reversals of gender stereotypes that were refreshingly ahead of its time.


Starman by James Robinson and Tony Harris -

This is sort of a special mention on my part. Starman is a series I really think Josh would have liked. I did give him the first three volumes to read, and he enjoyed them, but I misplaced the rest of books for a while and thus Josh never got to read the bulk of the Starman comics. This title is one of the few modern Superhero comics that I can really endorse. It’s actually an interesting revival of a long established DC Comics character. Jack Knight is the son of Ted Knight, the original Starman, but he is reluctant to take up the family business of superheroics and so he runs a collector/antique shop instead, that is until his father’s old nemesis, the Mist, comes back and kills his bother. Jack struggles with his bothers death while trying to fight the good fight that he never wanted. Jack has many adventures and various past iterations of heroes that have called themselves Starman are respectfully explored. This is one of the few times that DC Comics’ vast universe of history is an asset as the writer, James Robinson, spins amazing tales that touch on all aspects/versions of the character both great and small. Ultimately, Starman is about loss, family, and struggling with inner demons while trying save those things that make life worth living. Of course it’s all wrapped in superhero tropes but somehow Robnison makes it all so fresh and exciting you almost think he’d invented the superhero genre… he didn’t of course but he does reinvent it, and in a very good way because it’s about something.

Most of all, the character of Jack Knight simply reminds me of Josh. His love of his bother, his need to collect, his failed romances, his search for self-worth, his push to fight the good fight, his battles with self doubt, and his goatee (although its not nearly as long as Josh’s was) all hark back to our dear friend. If you are missing some of those delightful personality quirks that made Josh Josh, Starman IMHO is the place to get a tiny sweet taste of what we loved about him so much.




-Swinebread

Her Kinda Guy

My mother-in-law is in town. She’s a great lady and we get along swell despite the fact that I don’t speak Japanese and she speaks only a little English.

I was doing a quick post when my wife noticed that I was on this blog and she called her mom over to take a look. You see, my mother-in-law had actually met Josh in 2005 and was very sad to hear that he had passed away. I played the memorial video (see here) and she marveled at how handsome he was when he was young and clean cut.

This gave me a little chuckle because way back in 2005 after she meet Josh, she told her daughter that she found Josh attractive and the he was her kinda guy. Well, I found this amusing and cute. Mrs. Swinebread on the other hand was stunned because she really didn’t want to know her own mother’s likes and dislikes when it came to men. I can understand my wife's feeling but to me her mother's innocent statement was like noticing the attractiveness of a good actor or public figure. Plus, Josh was such a kind, gentle soul that I think my mother-in-law found his caring demeanor very charming.

I never told Josh that my mother-in-law from Japan found him to be a good looking guy as I thought he might feel a little weird about it.

Josh appealed to folks on so many levels and this fun little memory reminded me that one of those levels was sexiness. Josh was a sexy guy. He was appealing in that shy, quiet way. I obviously didn’t think about this very much being his friend and all but for some of you gals out there, I know it’s another facet of Josh you will miss. It’s just one more way he was your kinda guy.



-Swinebread

Josh Google Day

I've been periodically googling Josh's name in the image function and finally pictures of Josh are coming up.

see here

It's good to see my smiling buddy out there on the net and I'm so glad it is because of this blog that Josh is now showing up.


-Swinebread

The Rest of The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men

Here we go with the rest of the show

Scenes 4, 5, & 6



Scenes 7 & 8



Scene 9



Scenes 10 & 11



Scene 12



-Swinebread

More of Josh as Gilbert

Here I've posted the third scene from The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men. It has a bunch of wonderful Josh moments and that great Josh stage presence we love so much.

There is a scene 2 (of course) with the supervillan The It From Otherwhere, wherein she hatches her plans against the Amazing Men, but this scene does not have Josh. If you'd like to view this before you watch scene 3 check it out here

This is the third scene


-Swinebread

Josh as Gilbert the Sidekick in The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men

The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men is a one-act play written by Joseph Limbaugh. This play was performed in the Mago Hunt Center on January 31st and February 1st in 1992 in Portland Oregon as part of Joseph's senior project.

Josh was wonderful in his role as Gilbert. You can see all things we loved about him in this performance. He always had a special place in his heart for this show as he would often included it on his acting resume'.

In this 1st scene we are introduced to the Amazing Men.




More Amazing Men as I upload the videos.


-Swinebread

Talented, Giving, and oh so much fun!

My 2 favorite shows I was in with Josh: Actors Nightmare and 5th of July. Josh was always a joy to work with. He was also my partner for the Irene Ryans. He was just a fun and funny person and it was a joy to be on stage with that kind of energy.

The Snow

After Josh died a snowstorm descended.

The bitter, cold weather seemed to manifest how trapped and lonely I felt.

It hurt to go outside… it hurt to stay indoors.

A month later all the snow is gone except a miniature glacier that rapidly dissolves in the march to spring.

The shock of my best friend’s absence fades like that patch of ice.

But the cold remains

Jen has uploaded all the photos from Josh's memorial service to a picasa album.

Please go and Check them out here

Thanks Jen and thanks to all who submitted photos in memory of Josh.

Jen also would like to add more Photos too.


-Swinebread

A Josh Self-portrait

Back when Josh and I were in college together we played a lot of roleplaying games. For one campaign the GM actually had us playing ourselves rather than the usual fictional characters. Both Josh and I liked to draw various subjects from our gaming adventures and so on one occasion Josh decided to sketch himself. While going through some old papers I found this drawing from 1992.

You'll note that Josh decided to put a frame around himself. He is wearing his tree frog T-shirt that he owned at that time and he also has knee pads on just in case he got into a fight with the bad guys. It's funny how he looks so serious here when my memories of Josh are mostly of him smiling or laughing.


-Swinebread

Time Well Spent

I’ve been trying to write something eloquent about Josh and the New Year for a couple days but it just hasn’t been in me. All I know is that I miss him terribly and I’m not really sure I can express it in a written organized fashion. I’m much better with the image, both still and moving, rather than prose. That’s why I updated the header with pictures of Josh instead.

I don’t have a lot of memories of Josh around the Holidays because, I assume, that he was spending his time with his family, as it should be. I do recall one occasion though on December 31st 1999. My whole family had gone out of town for the New Year’s holiday but I chose to stay behind. Josh rang me up and invited me to hang out with him. He was heading out to McMinnville to lend moral support to the Hollywood Lights folks that had to work New Year’s at Spirit Mountain Casino.

We didn’t really do much of anything but watch Mark play video games, make fun of the lame news broadcasts from around the world, and walk around the nearly abandoned streets at midnight. It’s funny because there was no big party and yet… I have so very clear memories of that night and morning… because I was with Josh.

I was somewhat overwhelmed by the coming of the year 2000 because I hadn’t really thought about my life beyond the 20th Century. The time period beyond the year 2000 was the future and that was it. Now I find that I’m having that same feelings again but with extreme sadness and loss rather than wonderment. I’m approaching middle age and I realize that if I’m blessed with any sort of longish life I’ll have decades without Josh. I try not to dwell on things like this too much but on New Year’s Day it’s hard not to.

I was honored to call Josh my friend for nineteen years and I started this blog so that I could still make wonderful discoveries about him despite the fact that he's gone for all the New Year's to come.

A Birthday Present From Josh

Josh was an avid miniatures painter and collector the last decade of his life. He had many painting sessions with his friends but he often liked to work alone. I think he found it very relaxing. I was amazed at the level of skill he achieved and how far he pushed himself to improve his art.

Josh was a not just my friend but he was a friend to my whole family. He often came to my niece’s birthday parties over the years and one time he brought two Egyptian figures he’d painted as a gift. While I was over at my Sister’s house today, I found both figures on a shelf in my niece’s room. I picked them up and noticed how lovingly detailed they were and I thought: “here’s a real piece of Josh’s spirit.”

My photos don’t do justice to how well the figures were painted but you can get the idea. Notice how Josh attached each miniature to matching bases. It’s interesting that Josh chose Anubis and Bast. He loved cats and dogs so it makes perfect sense.




-Swinebread

Images from True History of Coca Cola in Mexico

The True History of Coca Cola in Mexico was one of my favorite shows that Josh performed in. I went and saw it four times at the Miracle Theater. Never was there a better laugh riot to grace a Portland stage IMHO. I sure hope somebody recorded one of the performances. Both Josh and Rafael were fantastic and very, very funny. At Josh's remembrance ceremony I said, when speaking about this show, "You haven't seen theater until you've seen Joshua Westhaver as Hitler." I should have also said seeing Josh in a dress too.






-Swinebread

More Shots of Josh at University of Portland

First things first, if you have not seen the video from Josh's memorial please click here

Now to continue with our regular post.
These pictures below originally came from Jeanne (thanks!). They show Josh during his first years at Universty of Portland.


Josh, Jeanne, and me backstage during Mother Courage.


Josh and Jeanne having fun backstage.



Jeanne, Josh, Me and Trish Egan during Mother Courage and her Children.

Josh and Wes backstage

Josh and Andrew in the scene shop. You can also see David poking his head in from the main stage area.



-Swinebread

Some Photos from Josh's Slideshow

These are some of the images I submitted to remember Josh.


Here is part of the cast of from the 5th of July which we did at U of P. The play takes place in 1977 so we had to get our hair cut and styled accordingly. This snapshot was taken right after the haircut session. The thing we are all touching in the middle is a ball of our our cut off hair.

Another shot of Josh after he got his 5th of July haircut. I believe that this is from 1993.


Josh liked to wear all sorts of funny hats and here he is in October 1996 sporting a Cat in the Hat.

Here is Josh as Eilif in Mother Courage From I think 1992. Mother courage was played by Trish Egan. I played his brother Swiss Cheese.

Josh played the main character (middle) in the Actor's Nightmare. One of the most fun an creative shows I was in with Josh while at University of Portland.


Overdroid wrote and directed a fun little superhero show called The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men in 1992 for his senior project. Josh played Gilbert, the lone sidekick for all three heroes. This was a really hilarious show and Josh put Amyman on his acting resume for years. I have video of this someplace and will eventually post it.




-Swinebread

It was a very wonderful and moving remembrance for Josh last night. I'm in such a sad place right now so it is hard for me to write anything coherent, but I did want to thank all the folks that worked on putting the event together. It meant everything to have it at such a wonderful theater with such wonderful people.

There was an amazing slideshow with pictures from different periods in Josh's life. That show was run to the tunes of Moxy Fruvous. I took a lot of comfort from this because I was the one the introduced Josh to this band. If Josh ever had a soundtrack to his life than Moxie's Music was it.

Here's a video of one of the songs we heard while remembering what a great man Josh was:



-Swinebread

I found this image on Brian's (Josh's brother) facebook page.

What I love about this picture is that it really shows Josh's goodness and kindness while also conveying how happy he was to be an uncle again. This is a picture of Brian and Erin's new baby, Tate, born just a few months ago.

I've been keeping my mind busy and not allowing myself to cry too much but when I saw this image of Josh this morning it was just too much and I broke down. I think there are a two reasons.

A black and white version of this amazing photo had been lovingly placed in Josh's ICU room by his family. I really appreciated that it was there as I visited his bedside late in the evening and none of his family members were there at that time. It spoke volumes about how much he is loved and why we care about him so much. Having that picture present got me through seeing him in the state he was in.

The other reason I broke down is that, like Brian, my wife recently had a baby. Josh never got the chance to see my son and now my little one will never know him the way we all did.