Memories of Joshua Westhaver

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2010-11-30T00:35:00.000-08:00

I fucking hate this time of year now. I used to love it. Purgatory? No. Not prison either. More like a sound proof room from which I find myself screaming. And no one can hear. I know I'm not the only one screaming. How many cells are there?

How does one continue to face the prospect of never again seeing the person who always knew how to pry the door open enough to hear the bellows?

I don't talk to anyone anymore like I was able to talk to Josh. He knew more of my secrets than even my best friends. He cared. He didn't judge. He shared his secrets, too. I only teased about judging. It made us both laugh.

Now I don't get to call him and convince him to come over, or be irritated that he doesn't show up until midnight. Or figure out how to cook something he would actually eat. No more japes about sculpted meat or re-congealed cheese... Five eggs and eight pieces of turkey bacon for breakfast, followed promptly by too much Mountain Dew, or for a time, cranberry juice and 7-up. Not Sprite. I don't get to watch him watching t.v. or hear his cackle and wheeze when I crack a completely off color and probably unbelievably rude joke. Probably at his expense. And he loved it. We both did.

I really need to talk to him right now. He'd know what to do.

At least I get to escape this year. Wish I could come back and share it with him. But I can't.

I fucking hate this time of year.

2010-08-10T20:42:00.000-07:00

I've thought about Josh all weekend knowing his Birthday was coming.

It was around his birthday in 2008 that Josh finally called me after almost a year of not hearing from or seeing him.

My wife and I had sent him a card for his B-day.

We talked about hum drum stuff and his concerns for his college degree.

I really wanted to set a date for him to meet my son, but I didn't want to put a lot of pressure on Josh.

Still now, and after I found out he died, I wish I had.

I miss you Josh.

Thinking of you always...

Happy Birthday

2010-08-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let you know that Emily and I treated yesterday like a holiday. We told the kids about you, and thought about you a lot.

Wish you were still here.

Rbjo

Merry Christmas Josh

2009-12-25T09:51:00.000-08:00

We love you, Josh.

To the rest of the Westhaver clan, my thoughts have been with you the last few weeks. I can't even imagine how hard this time of year is for you.

all hail king of spain!

2009-12-11T23:53:00.000-08:00

just home from life of riley's, where every table along the window side of the room was filled, overflowing, with theater folk come tonight to toast josh's memory. even more people than that, several who were at the theater working xmas carol tonight, said they were not going to make it to the bar, but would be raising a glass to him when they got home.

sitting at the table i thought josh would have liked this. actors, tech folk, directors, from so many different places in portland, sitting together and gabbing. remembering shows with old old friends, and some folks meeting each other for the first time. josh would have liked that. our smiling and being together.

god i'm sad. and somehow 'glad' to know others are too. not glad for the sadness or for his loss, but that there's a place to say so. and by saying so just try to mean, to say, how much he meant to me. i'm still not sure how to go on without him. and yet i'm certain he would say that i absolutely can figure out how to go on without him here. because he's nearby, somehow. just not 'here' here.

mysterious. and fragile. this way of tuning in and feeling his presence.

i am grateful for all the loving smiling and honest sadness in that room tonight.

blessed be.

2009-12-11T20:07:00.001-08:00

I miss you Josh.

I was sitting on the couch when the call came. I had planed to see Josh at the hospital one more time with my wife and son but it wasn’t meant to be.

Erin’s voice choked back tears as she told me “Josh is gone. He’s gone.” I thanked her and hung up the phone as fast as I could. My heart broke for a second time. The first happened when I saw him in the intensive care unit the night before. I let out a loud wail and burst into tears. My 6th month old son smiled, as he must have thought I was doing some new wacky face he hadn’t seen before. I held him and cried.

Now it’s been a whole year today. There hasn’t been one day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about Josh. I have a dream almost monthly where we meet and talk. But I’ve just shut down my emotions when it comes to our dear friend. I hadn’t realized until this moment but I’ve been especially bitter this last year, like I’m in a permanent foul mood. Josh’s death brought me down more than I realized.

I really have so much to be thankful for, I truly do. I know Josh would never want me to be so sad. He’d want thoughts of him to bring joy, happiness and love. He’d want me… and you to cherish our memories of him, even if there was some sort of unfinished business; he would want us to be happy.

I’ve been avoiding most things “Josh” this last year and that’s just not a good thing.

But this sad anniversary has put things in perspective and so I’ve resolved to be more positive this next year for Josh’s memory and for my sake. It’s Josh absence that hurts not all the amazing recollections I have of him. It’s time to share more of them.

In this spirit I just set my itunes to Moxey Früvous. I haven’t listened to them in a long time. It feels good.

You were the best of us Josh.

One Gargantuan Beer

2009-12-11T04:39:00.000-08:00

I wrote a very short tribute to our friend at my own blog.

The last time I saw him, we drank copious amounts of Mac & Jack's on a patio in Portland, and then washed it all down the next day at the Portland brew fest. One of my favorite days ever, and that was before he died. Now, that day is an indispensable memory.

I do wonder whether another Mac & Jack's will pass my lips without bringing on the sort of sorrow I can't currently elude.

for dear josh

2009-12-11T00:12:00.000-08:00

every day i pass this door on my way to my dressing room.

tonight i'll bring flowers.

my heart's salute to all who are thinking of him today.

i miss him so much i stop in my tracks and get lost in it. then remember to keep walking.

one breath at a time.

i heard someone say once that grieving is praising.

josh, you are missed. you are loved.

Honoring Josh - Part II

2009-11-01T14:34:00.000-08:00

Well, we had our big Halloween party last night. I always do a Day of the Dead altar as part of the festivities. There are some corn offerings, a paper mache painted skull, a cookie skull and other meaningful items. In the front is a wax aroma warmer, with the fabulous Ginger Pumpkin scent. I prefer to do the altar outside as we have a fairly spacious backyard with lots of trees. I was so happy I was able to have pictures of many of our friends and relatives as it wasn't raining this year!

We had a really wonderful time...Swinebread was able to bring Swinebread Jr.: who had a great time with our friend Becca, "The Big Cheese"!

We also did a quick ritual where we burned some herbs: Calendula (for Healing), Rosemary (for Remembrance), Wheat (for the Harvest), and Rose Petals (for the End of Summer and Remembrance). You can see some of the herbs that didn't quite make it into the fire on the bottom part of the fire pit.

I also had each guest bring carry out a votive candle to place on the altar anywhere of their choosing. Swinebread of course placed his right next to Josh's picture. Here's another photo of the altar with all the votives. I think it would be something Josh would have enjoyed sharing with us.

and some final thoughts to leave with you:

To catch the edge of night,
Walking between Sun and shadow,
Is to find the place where reality
Leaves off and magic begins.
In a time that is not a time,
Go softly, go slowly, and
Hope to catch a glimpse of
That which lies beyond
-Elizabeth Barrette

UP Halloween

2009-10-31T18:33:00.000-07:00

I think I posted this picture already, but this is a great memory for me- Josh dressed up as Hazen for Halloween. Megan had a big party at her house and all the drama geeks were there. Good times. I think Hazen is dressed as Alice Cooper and Jim and Nathan are Hanz and Franz (obviously). I miss all of you very much.

Honoring Josh

2009-10-14T11:40:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to let everyone one I will have Josh's picture on my Day of the Dead (AKA Dia de Los Muertos) altar during the Halloween weekend. Teasethedog graciously lent his permission for me to have a copy of his favorite picture of Josh (see previous post). Once the festivities are concluded, I will make another post complete with pictures.

Although my altar won't be a completely traditional Ofrenda, I will be decorating Sugar Skulls as part of the observance. I always leave the altar up until All Soul's Day on November 2nd.

Although there wasn't a post in September, I certainly was thinking about him during this Autumn season. Like everyone I'm sure, I was busy with a new full time job, and the whirlwind of school activities that parents like me often endure during the Fall. Best wishes to all and much love to Josh's family.

My Favorite Picture of Josh

2009-08-23T09:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know where the high-res version of this photo is (I'll find it eventually), but this about sums everything up for me.

Taken at Takhlakh lake during a camping trip. I'll write the full story another time.

A Picture For You, Mark

2009-08-10T22:54:00.001-07:00

A fond memory from me too, much the same as yours. Same vest, although by this point in the Mac and Jack's, the hat was off.

A Birthday Party...

2009-08-10T21:43:00.001-07:00

So Swinebread, Shannanani, and myself had a little birthday get together for Josh this last Saturday night (08/08/09). We went to the Kennedy school to have dinner and see a movie. On behalf of Josh we enjoyed a couple of pitchers of McMinniman's Ruby (his favorite for those of you who might not know). It was a very nice evening. Josh would have enjoyed it.

It would have been nice to invite others along, but we couldn't think of anyone else we had contact info for. :(

Here is a picture of what i think Josh might have looked like at his b-day dinner...

Granted his hair probably would have been shorter.

Happy birthday Josh. We love and miss you...

Midnight On Sunday

2009-08-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

It's more than a birthday. It's two birthdays in a manner of thinking. My friend had his proper birthday, then living only until December, and my wife escaped the clutches of death to survive him and bring me the constant gift that is my every day since.

Happy birthday, and thank you for everything, my dear friend. You cannot be missed more, and will never be missed less.

2009-08-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

I’ve been avoiding posting… I’ve been going into a mild state of denial when it comes to Josh’s death. If I don’t post about him, if I don’t read about him, if I don’t think about him, then I might believe he’s still out there for a second, a sweet second where he’s still making that big laugh or helping somebody out with a big grin on his face.

I find I avoid listening to Moxy Früvous, They Might Be Giants and Sarcastic Mannequins now (three of my favorite bands). The songs from these groups are just too tied up in memories of Josh. Things like a long 24-hour trip up to Vancouver Canada where Josh and I discovered the Sarcastic Mannequins in a crazy dive called the Cruel Elephant. I always kinda felt that SM was “our” soundtrack. When it comes to TMBG, they take me right back to the house on Denver Street. Joseph had introduced both Josh and I to their music a few years earlier, but it was in that house where many a wild party was had that Josh and I played and played our They Might Be Giants CDs. When it comes to Moxy well… I introduced Josh to their music but Moxy just feels like Josh. I don’t really know how else to describe it. I remember Josh letting out a really huge laugh on “…and now I work at the Pizza Pizza” during the King of Spain song the first time he heard it. From that time on he was an immense fan. When I think of I think of Moxy… I think of Josh and vice versa.

I, like all of you, have had dreams of Josh. My subconscious won’t keep away from what my waking self tries to forget. That I miss Josh…. He was in theater, rehearsing for some musical. It was interesting because the theater was an amalgamation of the various spaces I have seen him in over the years. Many friends surrounded him but he was the star of the show of course.

August is a hard time because it was this month last year that I talked to Josh for the last time… via phone. He’d been avoiding me but still I sent him a birthday card. He called me up and we talked about my son. I really wanted him to see my little boy… but just like the months before he called Josh avoided me until his death.

Heavy Random thoughts as Josh’s Birthday approaches….

-Swinebread

It hits home

2009-07-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

Finally, after almost seven months, I feel as if I can write. Thus far I've been observing from afar - not wanting Josh's death to be real, but knowing full well that it is. Football season finished up, baseball season started, and no Josh was there for me to talk sports with. No Josh was there for me to pester to come play poker. No Josh would be there again to laugh and smile the way I so cherish.

In the hospital, I work with my share of the dying. I see the families and friends gather around, saying phrases that seem comforting, but that have little reality. Many people live in denial. Up until now, I have been one of them.

Then came the dream. . .

I was in some type of living room with Josh. We were laughing, having fun, doing the silly things that I much remember doing with him when just hanging out. Another person entered the room, and as I talked with the person, I realized that even though he was still smiling, Josh had quit speaking. The person who had entered the room didn't even to seem to notice Josh. I engaged the new visitor for a while and then it hit me. Looking directly at Josh I said, "He can't see you can he?" To which Josh simply shook his head no. I don't remember what happened next, but eventually as I started to rouse from my sleep, the dream fading, I distinctly remember thinking, "I'll come back here again, because it's someplace where Josh is truly happy."

I've been to that room another time or two in my sleep since then. Josh remains his jovial self, unfazed by death. For that I am glad.

Josh, I miss you buddy.
Wes

june 11th

2009-06-11T21:48:00.000-07:00

dear josh,

i remember. i love you. summer's almost here.

and to your family:

i remember. i love you. summer's almost here.

Josh Comics

2009-05-14T23:39:00.000-07:00

NOTE: I started this post several months ago but I only recently was able to get back to it and finish it up.

I went and saw the Watchmen movie a few weeks ago and I thought it was a good film for the most part. I read the comic several times since it was first published, so I‘m familiar with the story. Needless to say, whether you liked the movie or not check out the comic for sure. Anyway, I’ve been sad because I can’t discuss the film version with Josh. I’d really like to know what he would have though about it. What he would have enjoyed and what he would have been critical of. I know Josh had read Watchmen, recognized its importance, and even owned a copy of the graphic novel for a while (he might have got it from me in fact) so I would have greatly valued his opinion.

Whenever I think about the Watchmen, Josh, strangely, is one the parts of my life that I think of. I remember being at Hollywood Lights at some point when Josh and I were discussing it. Eventually someone in the office asked us what Watchmen was and Josh tried to explain it. He said something like it was the “most important superhero comic ever written,” aping my words from earlier in the conversation. The response by the asker was kinda ho-hum, but I have always remembered the conversation, Josh and Watchmen are permanently fused in brain.

All of this pondering got me thinking about Josh and comic books in general. Josh enjoyed a good graphic story now and again but he was by no means the comic book freak that I am. Still, he collected X-men, Spiderman, and G.I. Joe comics when he was a kid in the 1980s. I still recall the first time I spent the night at his parents' house with me eagerly going through his collection and discussing the finer points of Kraven’s Last Hunt or the Longshot miniseries.

We were both collecting comics for a time in college but I actually quit before Josh did and he got caught up in the buying frenzy during the whole speculation boom and bust. I believe the crappy stories and gimmick, foil-laser covers of that period soured Josh on comic books somewhat and he became a much more discriminating reader. He only read what he considered to be quality stories from then on.

I was away from Oregon for a while in the 1990s but when I returned, I got back into comics again. Josh had completely forgotten about them and was eagerly pursuing his new addiction, Magic Cards. I was buying as many comics and trade paperbacks with my tiny budget as possible and I’d run as much of it by Josh as I could. He was receptive but he didn’t really like superheroes anymore so I stopped giving him those types of comics to read. Many of the titles I introduced him to were still on his shelf when he passed away. It brings me some comfort to know that Josh enjoyed these stories, stories I brought to him as a giddy comic book geek.

I know you all are missing Josh an awful lot just like I am, and sadly there is nothing we can do about it. But there are ways to get closer to the memory of him, to tap into the wonderfulness that was Josh. This blog is part of that and exploring some of the things that Josh enjoyed is another part. I know comics and comics are something Josh and I shared in common so that’s a part of Josh I wanted to contribute to all of you with this post. Here are some titles that Josh enjoyed.

Strangers In Paradise by Terry Moore–

I was looking for a replacement for Love and Rockets and started picking up this title because of the female, lead characters Francine and “Katchoo." It turned out to be a little too melodramatic for me but Josh really liked it. I ended up giving him my all my trades and Josh went on to buy more. Strangers In Paradise is famous for appealing to woman because of its realistic depiction of female relationships and nontraditional storytelling. If you can’t bring yourself to read any of the sci-fi, fantasy, stuff on this list than SIP is the title for you. Strangers In Paradise is cute, funny, honest, and relatable. On a sad note, Josh was wrapped up in school and didn’t get around the reading the end of the series. It’s currently collected in to six manga sized volumes.

Transmetropolitan by Warren Ellis with art by Darick Robertson-

Spider Jerusalem is the definitive gonzo journalist in "Thee" cyberpunk future to end all cyberpunk futures. Black humor wrapped up with political protest abounds in Transmetropolitan. Somebody’s gotta expose the slimy underbelly of the transhuman cesspool we’re gonna call home one day while giving a giant middle finger to the futuristic “me generation.” Josh had a bit of the of the rabble-rouser/anarchist spirit about him and I think that’s why he enjoyed this comic… or maybe it was simply Spider’s twofaced cat that smoked. I gave Josh an action figure of Spider Jerusalem for his birthday long ago. It used to sit on his desk at Hollywood Lights. I don’t know what became of it but I’d pick up that figure on the collectors market as it now reminds me of Josh.

Understanding Comics by Scott McCloud –
This is a bible of sorts on how comics work and what’s going on in your brain while you’re reading them. It’s very interesting especially for folks that are into theory. Some of the points made by McCloud in this title have been very controversial in the art community, but it’s a title that absolutely makes you think. That’s something that Josh greatly appreciated. McCloud showed (this was originally published in 1993) that comics could be so much more than what people have assumed they were. We’re only starting to realize the possibilities. Another aspect that makes Understanding Comics so great is that it uses the comic format to make its points. It is informative and entertaining all at the same time.

The Filth by Grant Morrison art by Chris Weston –

Man… how do I describe The Filth… hmmm this is simply impossible for me to do. Here’s a rundown from a booklist via Amazon.com:

The story opens when sad, middle-aged Greg Feely, whose only companions are a dying cat and porn videos, learns he is actually Ned Slade, top agent of the Hand, an organization dedicated to maintaining the social status quo by eliminating unhealthy variations--biological, technological, or sexual. As another agent observes, the Hand "wipes the arse of the world": the likes of Spartacus Hughes, an artificially grown personality who occupies various bodies; Anders Klimakks, an amnesiac porn star with super pheromones; and Max Thunderstone, a sociopath with drug-induced superpowers. Greg-Ned constantly struggles to reconcile his two wildly contradictory personalities. The Dan-Dare-meets-William-Burroughs epic encompasses such standard Morrison themes as nanotechnology, the absurdity of superheroics, a wide range of sexual expression, and, above all, conspiracy theories. Chris Weston's straightforward but imaginative art makes the wildly outrageous story convincing if not always comprehensible. Not everybody's kettle, but ideal for fans of "challenging" comics and sf.

Oh and here’s the last part of comment on Amazon.com from someone that liked the The Filth:
P.S. Do not let your children read this, it is quite possibly the most all-around offensive comic I have ever read. There is lots of sex, violence, swearing, and even drug use.

I bought this as Christmas present for Josh one year…

Preacher by Garth Ennis art by Steve Dillion -

Another title that I enjoyed and Josh really loved. Preacher is an irreverent take on religion (among other things) through the crazy modern-western adventures of Jessie Custer, a small town Texas preacher whose soul has been fused with that of an Angelic/Demonic crossbreed. There are all kinds of lusciously freaky characters in Preacher like the Saint of Killers, the ghost of John Wayne, the Irish Vampire Cassidy, Arseface, the Cyclops-like Lorrie Bobbs, and Herr Starr (the leader of a DaVinci code conspiracy). Traditional cowboy values collide with modern feminist anger in a nine-volume set that’s really about the search for God… because you see, God has abdicated his position in heaven and Jessie is pissed off just enough to find out WTF is going on and he ain’t gonna let anything stop him… Special note, Preacher also craps on all sides of the culture war that we have just been through and that alone makes it a must read.

ElfQuest by Wendy and Richard Pini -

When it comes to ElfQuest I get pretty sad. You see, Josh really loved this fantasy epic, so much so that he at one time had many different versions of these comics, and now it’s been announced that this series is will be made into a major motion picture. It pains me greatly, even more than Josh not seeing Watchmen, is the fact that Josh will never see the Elfquest film. Wendy and Richard Pini created Elfquest back in 1978 as a multipart story that concerns the survival of various tribes of Elves on a world with two Moons. Primitive humans and ugly trolls are just some of the troubles that the elves must deal with. ElfQuest is a sweet, sensual, magical, adventure that really reminds me a lot of Josh. If you want something imaginative and fanciful, but with hidden depth that sucks you into it’s sprawling plot, Elfquest is the comic for you. Plus, it has some nice reversals of gender stereotypes that were refreshingly ahead of its time.

Starman by James Robinson and Tony Harris -

This is sort of a special mention on my part. Starman is a series I really think Josh would have liked. I did give him the first three volumes to read, and he enjoyed them, but I misplaced the rest of books for a while and thus Josh never got to read the bulk of the Starman comics. This title is one of the few modern Superhero comics that I can really endorse. It’s actually an interesting revival of a long established DC Comics character. Jack Knight is the son of Ted Knight, the original Starman, but he is reluctant to take up the family business of superheroics and so he runs a collector/antique shop instead, that is until his father’s old nemesis, the Mist, comes back and kills his bother. Jack struggles with his bothers death while trying to fight the good fight that he never wanted. Jack has many adventures and various past iterations of heroes that have called themselves Starman are respectfully explored. This is one of the few times that DC Comics’ vast universe of history is an asset as the writer, James Robinson, spins amazing tales that touch on all aspects/versions of the character both great and small. Ultimately, Starman is about loss, family, and struggling with inner demons while trying save those things that make life worth living. Of course it’s all wrapped in superhero tropes but somehow Robnison makes it all so fresh and exciting you almost think he’d invented the superhero genre… he didn’t of course but he does reinvent it, and in a very good way because it’s about something.

Most of all, the character of Jack Knight simply reminds me of Josh. His love of his bother, his need to collect, his failed romances, his search for self-worth, his push to fight the good fight, his battles with self doubt, and his goatee (although its not nearly as long as Josh’s was) all hark back to our dear friend. If you are missing some of those delightful personality quirks that made Josh Josh, Starman IMHO is the place to get a tiny sweet taste of what we loved about him so much.

-Swinebread

Still miss you buddy

2009-04-19T13:28:00.000-07:00

I just didn't want April to go by without a post for Josh.

2009-03-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

So i'm watching "High Fidelity" tonight and i've never noticed it before, but Josh could have played John Cusack's part quite well. I know it isn't quite the part that Josh was usually cast for, but there are quite a few moments where i see these little mannerisms that i remember seeing Josh do.

I dunno...

Maybe i'm just imprinting.

Two Friends Gone in less than 2 Years...

2009-03-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

These are pictures of Josh and my dog Bear rough-housing. They were good friends. Bear died of cancer back in May of '07 if i remember correctly.

Josh really loved my dog(s). He would always stop to greet them as soon as he came into our home. There would always be some pets and kisses, and then the playing would commence.

One of the sweetest most devoted things Josh ever did for me and my family was to come to my home the day we had to put Bear to sleep. We were lucky enough to have a vet who had told us when the time came, they would come to us. (The folks at the vet loved Bear and were in tears when they found out that he had cancer.) That time came i believe on Mother's Day. I tried calling a couple of my friends that were closer first to see if they could come and help me. We were going to have to get Bear into the back of the vets truck afterward. Bear weighed over a 100 pounds. In life i could lift him by myself, but i wasn't sure what i would be able to do after he was dead. I managed to get a hold of Josh and told him what the situation was. He dropped everything and came over right before or after Mother's Day dinner with his family.

Josh supported us that day and helped me get Bear out to the vet's truck so he could be cremated. That's the kind of person Josh was and i loved him for it.

I never thought that less than two years later i would be mourning them both. I see them a lot in my dreams now. And they still play.

My dogs were some of Josh's favorite subjects to shoot with his camera. I include a couple of those shots below.

Her Kinda Guy

2009-03-11T23:10:00.000-07:00

My mother-in-law is in town. She’s a great lady and we get along swell despite the fact that I don’t speak Japanese and she speaks only a little English.

I was doing a quick post when my wife noticed that I was on this blog and she called her mom over to take a look. You see, my mother-in-law had actually met Josh in 2005 and was very sad to hear that he had passed away. I played the memorial video (see here) and she marveled at how handsome he was when he was young and clean cut.

This gave me a little chuckle because way back in 2005 after she meet Josh, she told her daughter that she found Josh attractive and the he was her kinda guy. Well, I found this amusing and cute. Mrs. Swinebread on the other hand was stunned because she really didn’t want to know her own mother’s likes and dislikes when it came to men. I can understand my wife's feeling but to me her mother's innocent statement was like noticing the attractiveness of a good actor or public figure. Plus, Josh was such a kind, gentle soul that I think my mother-in-law found his caring demeanor very charming.

I never told Josh that my mother-in-law from Japan found him to be a good looking guy as I thought he might feel a little weird about it.

Josh appealed to folks on so many levels and this fun little memory reminded me that one of those levels was sexiness. Josh was a sexy guy. He was appealing in that shy, quiet way. I obviously didn’t think about this very much being his friend and all but for some of you gals out there, I know it’s another facet of Josh you will miss. It’s just one more way he was your kinda guy.

-Swinebread

Josh Google Day

2009-03-10T21:40:00.000-07:00

I've been periodically googling Josh's name in the image function and finally pictures of Josh are coming up.

see here

It's good to see my smiling buddy out there on the net and I'm so glad it is because of this blog that Josh is now showing up.

-Swinebread

Home and the Kitsch That Builds It

2009-03-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

I've had my new home here in Billings now for 20 days. Boxes are slowly opening, and their contents march to their homes on shelves and small tables. 55-degree days are punctuated by snowy ones (I hear that this weekend will be no different), and old pictures taken of and by Josh smile happily when I pluck their frames from their newsprint packing material.

I listen to Moxy Fruvous. I listen to the words. "Your mother made you cry when she told you about the womb, and how people die."

The photo of Josh at Larrabee hangs in my studio. The photo Joshua took of my wife and me stands poised on a shelf above my favorite books.

I am reminded every day now that my house is less of a home for the loss of his presence, and that the photographs are a cold, vivid loneliness in comparison to the companionship I have enjoyed all these years.

Acceptance is a bitter, bitter swill. I miss my friend.

The Rest of The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men

2009-03-01T09:50:00.000-08:00

Here we go with the rest of the show

Scenes 4, 5, & 6

Scenes 7 & 8

Scene 9

Scenes 10 & 11

Scene 12

-Swinebread

More of Josh as Gilbert

2009-02-12T20:30:00.000-08:00

Here I've posted the third scene from The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men. It has a bunch of wonderful Josh moments and that great Josh stage presence we love so much.

There is a scene 2 (of course) with the supervillan The It From Otherwhere, wherein she hatches her plans against the Amazing Men, but this scene does not have Josh. If you'd like to view this before you watch scene 3 check it out here

This is the third scene

-Swinebread

Josh as Gilbert the Sidekick in The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men

2009-02-10T07:04:00.000-08:00

The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men is a one-act play written by Joseph Limbaugh. This play was performed in the Mago Hunt Center on January 31st and February 1st in 1992 in Portland Oregon as part of Joseph's senior project.

Josh was wonderful in his role as Gilbert. You can see all things we loved about him in this performance. He always had a special place in his heart for this show as he would often included it on his acting resume'.

In this 1st scene we are introduced to the Amazing Men.

More Amazing Men as I upload the videos.

-Swinebread

Superbowl

2009-02-01T07:16:00.000-08:00

Anyone have any thoughts on who Josh would have liked to see win this year? Maybe some of the football fans can chime in on this one. I'm pretty sure he would have been watching it today...

Josh and Mark come to Yakima.

2009-01-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

I was looking on an old hard drive when I came across these pictures. It was about 4 years ago, Mark and Josh made a road trip up to Yakima to visit. We had a lot of fun that weekend, just look at Mark's face, that says it all.

If my memory were better

2009-01-23T12:44:00.000-08:00

I met Josh on my first day at Hollywood Lights in Portland. I remember the stacks of Mountain Dew boxes in his office. Looking over the boxes in awe, I said, "You must love drinking fresh-brewed black tea." Josh laughed. I'll never forget the way his laugh sounded; it was happiness within happiness.

Josh was a wonderful friend. There are things I look back on knowing for certain that I'll never do them again, and there are others I hope to do frequently. An example of the former: as a thank-you for the dozens of times Josh provided me with a place to sleep in Portland (so far), I made Steak Au Poivre, hand-cut, and all the trimmings-- complete with a nice bottle of red wine-- all bought with rebates from a "Kenny van" filled to capacity with empty Mountain Dew cans. Nickels have never been tastier. An example of the latter: one of Josh's favorite places we went was Mount Rainier. We drove the entire road from north to south in one day. Whenever I think of Rainier, I think of my friend.

We talked often about the "Big Bloom", a period of time in May when the wildflowers at Hurricane Ridge on the Olympic Peninsula are particularly ablaze. When we hiked to the top of Hurricane Hill, Josh laughed heartily, took a drag from his inhaler, and ate a bagel-- the smile never left his face.

I last saw Josh in Portland last summer. I was in Portland for a TV show, and I called Josh to see what he was up to. The crew for our show had all moved away, so Josh helped out with the shoot and spent some time on camera as well. I introduced him to my daughter, who predictably took to him. Since we were covering the Brewfest, we had quite a few tokens to go around. Josh and I used them all. I am glad to remember the last day we had together was a full day running through the park and joking with one another.

That brings me to his acting. I don't think I've ever regarded another actor's talent so highly. Josh was the definition of inviting gravitas on stage.

The wound left by his departure is deep and profound for both me and my wife. I still have the urge to call him and tell him how sorry I am that this happened to him; so much so that I have forced myself to erase his name from my address book. I look at pictures from Christmas, and I realize that he was already gone when they were taken. It casts a pall on everything I have done since December, and adds an even greater pain to being so far away from every person I care about the most.

My only hope is that I can find a fraction of Josh's emotional grace to help me when all this denial goes away. I miss Josh. I miss the conversations. I miss his company in Seattle. I miss his home in Portland. I miss the magic card marathons that were bathed in cigarette smoke and whiskey where he would talk ominously about Mark's "Black Deck". I miss the impromptu trips up the gorge. More than anything, I miss his presence in my life; I'd be severely tasked to ever find a better man as long as I live.

The Ultimate Magic Hour Shot

2009-01-23T08:11:00.000-08:00

I've only known about Josh for a week. Everything I've written so far has read back as trivial to me. While I try to write something more coherent, I'll post my favorite photograph Josh took. We were on one of our many trips, and the lighting was perfect. Josh called it his "Ultimate Magic Hour" shot.

I miss my friend horribly.

Talented, Giving, and oh so much fun!

2009-01-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

My 2 favorite shows I was in with Josh: Actors Nightmare and 5th of July. Josh was always a joy to work with. He was also my partner for the Irene Ryans. He was just a fun and funny person and it was a joy to be on stage with that kind of energy.

Reunion

2009-01-20T08:07:00.000-08:00

This was one of my favorite days. A reunion after our friend got back from his service in the Army. Remember how he disappeared one day after cutting his hair? Josh was as happy to have him home( as were all of us).

I have some more pictures from our college days I am going to upload. (I am a bit tech challenged so hopefully this works.)

2009-01-15T19:07:00.001-08:00

The Snow

After Josh died a snowstorm descended.

The bitter, cold weather seemed to manifest how trapped and lonely I felt.

It hurt to go outside… it hurt to stay indoors.

A month later all the snow is gone except a miniature glacier that rapidly dissolves in the march to spring.

The shock of my best friend’s absence fades like that patch of ice.

But the cold remains

2009-01-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

Jen has uploaded all the photos from Josh's memorial service to a picasa album.

Please go and Check them out here

Thanks Jen and thanks to all who submitted photos in memory of Josh.

Jen also would like to add more Photos too.

-Swinebread

2009-01-11T09:09:00.000-08:00

A month without Josh and counting...

I think of him every day. Which is odd, because when he was here i didn't do that.

Miss you Josh.

Mr. Snazzy Pants

2009-01-08T20:33:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this photo is the mid-90's. I think this was maybe even before the famous hat came into our house... Brian and Josh and I were down in the basement of our little apartment. They had just wrestled their Grandmother Maxine's (at least I think it was hers) desk downstairs. It was like our first piece of real furniture! It was beautiful and Josh and I loved having it there. (and if my memory is wrong, pleeeeze correct me Brian or Alan!)

Anyway, the other point is - the pants. He and I could basically share a wardrobe - though I think he wore smaller jeans than me. But these two outfits we are wearing, well, they were interchangeable. Sometimes I wore the white pants, he wore the blue ones, or I'd grab the black turtleneck. We went to a Halloween party once dressed/acting as each other - if anyone has photos from that I'd LOVE to see them. It was absolutely hysterical.

So here we are - Mr. and Mrs. (or soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs.) Snazzy Pants!

Reliably Funny and Friendly

2009-01-06T08:34:00.000-08:00

I met Josh in 1998 when I started working at Hollywood Lights. The thing that I always loved about Josh is it didn't matter how long it had been since you had seen him, it was like no time passed at all. He was reliably funny and friendly and I was always sad when we had to part company again.

The last time I saw Josh was at my Wedding. We played a great game of frisbee before the ceremony. Candice and I were grateful he was there for our wedding day.

I have great memories of Josh that will always stay with me. I'm a better person because he was in my life. The world has lost a great man, he will be missed greatly.

How Josh and I Met and Became Friends - or - "Poker Face, Josh"

2009-01-06T07:26:00.000-08:00

I started working at Hollywood Lights around March or April of '98. I was brought on to help get ready for their 50th anniversary. I wouldn't actually meet or get to know Josh for another 2 or 3 months after starting there. It seems odd that it took that long given what i know of Josh from the past 10 1/2 years. I'm guessing it's just because there was the 50th stuff happening, and I'm guessing around that time there was probably also inventory going on.

When we did finally meet i think it was sometime around the end of May or beginning of June that year. My cousin Ryan and I were into playing Magic: The Gathering and he was working at Hollywood then too. During lunches we started playing games in the break room. One of our coworkers took note of this. I don't remember who exactly. At any rate they introduced me to Josh and told him i played Magic. Josh also played Magic and suggested we get together sometime and play.

Sometime shortly there after we did. I don't really remember much about those first games. But I do remember that he had been out of the game for a while, that i had been playing a lot, and that i trounced him a bit in the beginning. I also remember that when he happened to draw a card he needed his face would light up. Since we shared our decks with one another i usually knew what he had drawn when i saw his face light up and would say something like, "Pulled that Serra Angel you needed, huh?" He would smile and then feign ignorance and say something like, "Whatever do you mean?" This evolved to "Nice poker face, Josh." And eventually, "Poker face, Josh." His response then being to laugh or smile.

This went on all summer. This was because I kind of took advantage of Josh and because he was a sweet heart of a man. You see, my crappy little truck had only one working door and only one of the windows rolled down about an inch or two. So driving home at rush hour in summer heat was brutal. Most every work day that summer i went to Josh's after work and we played Magic or hung out until sundown, and then i would drive home.

I think this one of the main reasons that Josh became so important to me. We both knew i was taking advantage of the situation, but Josh knew that i needed a refuge until the sun went down, and most of that summer was willing to let his home be that place.

A Josh Self-portrait

2009-01-05T21:54:00.000-08:00

Back when Josh and I were in college together we played a lot of roleplaying games. For one campaign the GM actually had us playing ourselves rather than the usual fictional characters. Both Josh and I liked to draw various subjects from our gaming adventures and so on one occasion Josh decided to sketch himself. While going through some old papers I found this drawing from 1992.

You'll note that Josh decided to put a frame around himself. He is wearing his tree frog T-shirt that he owned at that time and he also has knee pads on just in case he got into a fight with the bad guys. It's funny how he looks so serious here when my memories of Josh are mostly of him smiling or laughing.

-Swinebread

2009-01-02T12:44:00.000-08:00

I met Allison today and we went through some photos. I had time to scan a few of them in.

This great one is aPolaroid of Josh with his brother Brian (left). I think this is from about 1991.

Please correct me if I'm wrong about the year.

Time Well Spent

2009-01-01T22:59:00.000-08:00

I’ve been trying to write something eloquent about Josh and the New Year for a couple days but it just hasn’t been in me. All I know is that I miss him terribly and I’m not really sure I can express it in a written organized fashion. I’m much better with the image, both still and moving, rather than prose. That’s why I updated the header with pictures of Josh instead.

I don’t have a lot of memories of Josh around the Holidays because, I assume, that he was spending his time with his family, as it should be. I do recall one occasion though on December 31st 1999. My whole family had gone out of town for the New Year’s holiday but I chose to stay behind. Josh rang me up and invited me to hang out with him. He was heading out to McMinnville to lend moral support to the Hollywood Lights folks that had to work New Year’s at Spirit Mountain Casino.

We didn’t really do much of anything but watch Mark play video games, make fun of the lame news broadcasts from around the world, and walk around the nearly abandoned streets at midnight. It’s funny because there was no big party and yet… I have so very clear memories of that night and morning… because I was with Josh.

I was somewhat overwhelmed by the coming of the year 2000 because I hadn’t really thought about my life beyond the 20th Century. The time period beyond the year 2000 was the future and that was it. Now I find that I’m having that same feelings again but with extreme sadness and loss rather than wonderment. I’m approaching middle age and I realize that if I’m blessed with any sort of longish life I’ll have decades without Josh. I try not to dwell on things like this too much but on New Year’s Day it’s hard not to.

I was honored to call Josh my friend for nineteen years and I started this blog so that I could still make wonderful discoveries about him despite the fact that he's gone for all the New Year's to come.

The New Year

2008-12-31T08:17:00.000-08:00

In just a few hours we will be starting our first year without Josh. I'm not looking forward to it. Josh brought a lot of joy and good to the world just by his being in it. Josh was truly one of the very good people in this world. I know we all miss him terribly.

I suggest that we, Josh's friends and family, have a responsibility to the world now. We have to try and take Josh's place in being agents for good. It will be tough. It's the very rare person who could be like Josh. But there are a lot of Josh's friends and family out there. And if each of us just does a little more to be kind, help people, and take responsibility for our surroundings, perhaps we can make a little dent in this messed up world.

Just like Josh did.

I hope that the coming year is a better one, and that the pain of losing Josh wanes a bit for all of us.

And if you find yourself unsure of what to do at any point during the coming year, just ask yourself, "What would Josh do?"

Love and best wishes to you all.

A little more about Josh's painting...

2008-12-28T08:57:00.000-08:00

I was there on and off while Josh was painting the minis in Swine's post below. I wish i could remember more about when Josh painted them. Every time Josh and I - and sometimes our friends Ed and Trevor - got together to paint it was a really good time.

Myself and Ed at first were the ones who taught Josh how to paint. I remember it started when Swine and Josh came over with a handful of minis as props for a game we were playing that day. They had painted a few, and a few were in various states of being painted, but most weren't painted yet. (At least that's how i remember it. Swine may have to chime in and correct me.) Even then i noticed Josh - and Swine - had a good eye for picking interesting sculpts. I mentioned that i painted minis as well, and Josh being the caring and interested person he was, asked to see some of mine. They were impressed with with what i had done and asked me how i did what i did. I explained to them my technique and how easy it was to do, and said i'd be willing to show them some time.

Sometime after that Josh and i started to paint together. Josh learned my technique and saw that it was indeed relatively easy to learn and a good way to make minis look good. And Josh, being the avid hobbyist he was, in just a couple of years became a much better painter than i. I loved that about Josh. That when he became interested in something, he put his heart and soul into it. Whether, it was acting, stage craft, photography, painting, or games, he gave it everything he had. And as far as i can tell, never failed.

I remember one time Josh, Ed, and i had an emergency painting session. Ed works at a local hobby store in PDX and had promised to paint an army of miniatures for one of the games the store sold. They had to be done by a certain day though, and Ed had been busy with his other job as well. He asked Josh and i to help him paint this army in one night before it had to be back at the hobby store. We all met at Josh's around 8 pm that night and painted until 5 am the next morning. Each of us worked on almost every mini together. Me dry brushing the base coat. Josh cleaning up my mistakes and adding some detail. And Ed finishing the detail and working on the trophy pieces. That army is still down at that hobby shop. It's an undead army of skeletons on the bottom shelf of a display counter by one of the cash registers. I won't give anymore detail because Ed was supposed to have painted it all. ;)

As good a painter as Josh was, he had one issue that was really hard for him. He had a hard time understanding when to stop. Knowing when a mini was finished. Ed and i tried to explain to him that there would always be something that needed to be fixed or a detail missed, but at a certain point you had to let go or face ruining all the other things you had done right on the mini. Josh had a hard time accepting this though. And because of this, he did not finish nearly as many miniatures as most people would in the amount of time he painted.

And so i come to a point.

If you are somebody who is lucky enough to have a finished miniature that Josh painted, hang on to it/them. It is a rarity. And it was painted by someone who was truly good at it.

Love you Josh...

A Birthday Present From Josh

2008-12-27T20:20:00.000-08:00

Josh was an avid miniatures painter and collector the last decade of his life. He had many painting sessions with his friends but he often liked to work alone. I think he found it very relaxing. I was amazed at the level of skill he achieved and how far he pushed himself to improve his art.

Josh was a not just my friend but he was a friend to my whole family. He often came to my niece’s birthday parties over the years and one time he brought two Egyptian figures he’d painted as a gift. While I was over at my Sister’s house today, I found both figures on a shelf in my niece’s room. I picked them up and noticed how lovingly detailed they were and I thought: “here’s a real piece of Josh’s spirit.”

My photos don’t do justice to how well the figures were painted but you can get the idea. Notice how Josh attached each miniature to matching bases. It’s interesting that Josh chose Anubis and Bast. He loved cats and dogs so it makes perfect sense.

-Swinebread

Images from True History of Coca Cola in Mexico

2008-12-26T19:13:00.000-08:00

The True History of Coca Cola in Mexico was one of my favorite shows that Josh performed in. I went and saw it four times at the Miracle Theater. Never was there a better laugh riot to grace a Portland stage IMHO. I sure hope somebody recorded one of the performances. Both Josh and Rafael were fantastic and very, very funny. At Josh's remembrance ceremony I said, when speaking about this show, "You haven't seen theater until you've seen Joshua Westhaver as Hitler." I should have also said seeing Josh in a dress too.

-Swinebread

2008-12-24T07:20:00.000-08:00

With the weather in PDX so crumby, I've been wondering what Josh would be up to...

I picture him holed at home with his folks. Watching TV with his dad. Having meals with his folks around the table. And in the evenings staying up way too late. Either organizing his room or painting miniatures. And all the while giving the kitties occasional pets.

I could be wrong. This is just some of the things Josh told me he did when he was at home.

I still like to think of him doing those things though.

I hope we all can have at least a little bit of a Merry Christmas. Josh would want us to...

Josh's Memorial Video Now On Youtube

2008-12-21T20:23:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Pigletinjuly for uploading

-Swinebread

More Shots of Josh at University of Portland

2008-12-20T14:24:00.000-08:00

First things first, if you have not seen the video from Josh's memorial please click here

Now to continue with our regular post.
These pictures below originally came from Jeanne (thanks!). They show Josh during his first years at Universty of Portland.

Josh, Jeanne, and me backstage during Mother Courage.

Josh and Jeanne having fun backstage.

Jeanne, Josh, Me and Trish Egan during Mother Courage and her Children.

Josh and Wes backstage

Josh and Andrew in the scene shop. You can also see David poking his head in from the main stage area.

-Swinebread

Video from Josh's Memorial

2008-12-20T14:21:00.000-08:00

Hi all;

I have uploaded one of the videos from Josh's memorial. (at least I hope it worked okay)

As you'd expect, it is both wonderful and very difficult to watch.

To those in the NW storm area - be safe out there!

Allison

2008-12-20T09:18:00.000-08:00

Wes-

I have joined the phenomenon that is facebook. You can catch me there.

2008-12-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

I always loved this picture. The three Js (Jeff, Jim and Josh) They all look so serious and intense, but they are watching a baseball game in the middle of a performance of "Mother Courage and her Children" The beautiful amber fill light is the television. Even though I got the chance to see Josh 2 years ago, I will always remember him like this. My Robert Downey Jr look-a-like friend.

-Jeanne

Bug Huntin'

2008-12-18T16:49:00.000-08:00

I had a memory today of Josh taking our cat Bubba "Bug Huntin'" Bubba was very fond of capturing flies and moths and whatnot, but sadly they always seemed to be near the ceiling, while he... was not. So Josh, kitty lover that he was, would take Bubba Bug Huntin'. This involved Josh balancing Bubba in his hands as Bubba stood on his back legs. And then sloooowly walking all around the kitchen. Josh was patient, and would let Bubba hunt flies for long periods of time.

Sorta random, but since I have photos, I thought I'd share.

PS - You know, he had that had a very, very long time.

Thoughts and Musings....

2008-12-18T07:12:00.000-08:00

Hello all...let me introduce myself; I'm one of Swinebread's siblings and have known Josh since his UP days. I too miss him crazy alot... I plan on doing a longer post of remembrance, but thought I'd do a shout out for info on Josh's favorite charities. I believe there is a memorial fund in the works? Perhaps family & friends can contact Swinebread, and he can put the info in the sidebar to make it easy for anyone to donate to his fund, or directly to one of his fav charities in Josh's name.

I recall hearing at the Gerding Theatre Remembrance that Josh had worked for VBC (Village Building Convergence), an event created by The City Repair Project, perhaps that could be one added to the list?

Thanks again to all who spoke at his Remembrance event, I loved hearing all the stories, knowing I'm not the only one who can't imagine a world without him in it still.

Some Photos from Josh's Slideshow

2008-12-17T07:34:00.000-08:00

These are some of the images I submitted to remember Josh.

Here is part of the cast of from the 5th of July which we did at U of P. The play takes place in 1977 so we had to get our hair cut and styled accordingly. This snapshot was taken right after the haircut session. The thing we are all touching in the middle is a ball of our our cut off hair.

Another shot of Josh after he got his 5th of July haircut. I believe that this is from 1993.

Josh liked to wear all sorts of funny hats and here he is in October 1996 sporting a Cat in the Hat.

Here is Josh as Eilif in Mother Courage From I think 1992. Mother courage was played by Trish Egan. I played his brother Swiss Cheese.

Josh played the main character (middle) in the Actor's Nightmare. One of the most fun an creative shows I was in with Josh while at University of Portland.

Overdroid wrote and directed a fun little superhero show called The Adventures of Amyman and the Amazing Men in 1992 for his senior project. Josh played Gilbert, the lone sidekick for all three heroes. This was a really hilarious show and Josh put Amyman on his acting resume for years. I have video of this someplace and will eventually post it.

-Swinebread

Thanks

2008-12-16T10:01:00.001-08:00

I also wanted to thank everyone who made last night possible. (Thanks for beating me to it Swine...)

But i really wanted to thank everyone who was willing to get up and speak about Josh last night. It really helped to see Josh through the words of so many people who really loved him. It also was good to see how we all knew the same man and how he was the same person with each and every one of us. I felt a lot better than i have after listening to all those wonderful memories.

And to those who were unable to speak about Josh, thank you for being there. I know it's hard to speak in any situation. Infinitely so in a situation like that.

Thank you to everyone who participated last night.

2008-12-16T09:46:00.000-08:00

It was a very wonderful and moving remembrance for Josh last night. I'm in such a sad place right now so it is hard for me to write anything coherent, but I did want to thank all the folks that worked on putting the event together. It meant everything to have it at such a wonderful theater with such wonderful people.

There was an amazing slideshow with pictures from different periods in Josh's life. That show was run to the tunes of Moxy Fruvous. I took a lot of comfort from this because I was the one the introduced Josh to this band. If Josh ever had a soundtrack to his life than Moxie's Music was it.

Here's a video of one of the songs we heard while remembering what a great man Josh was:

-Swinebread

2008-12-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

It’s a cold day but the sun is shining and soon I will be heading downtown to bid my friend Josh farewell along with his friends and family.

My heart aches with overwhelming sorrow…

One of the most beautiful people I have ever had the privilege of knowing is really gone and there is nothing I can do but morn him and honor him with everyone that loved him so much.

Good Bye Josh

-Swinebread

I don't know where to start...

2008-12-14T16:51:00.000-08:00

I've spent a lot of time pondering how to even start, what possible story I could tell. But really, I can only start at the start. So at least for now, I'll tell you when it was that I knew that I loved him. I met him doing a show at Tygres Heart Shakespeare. The play was Much Ado About Nothing. He was "Head Butler" and I was Ursula (?). Needless to say, we both had a lot of time on our hands. His job was to stand center stage in the back for nearly the whole show. I didn't know him at all, but whenever my character (also standing around a lot) landed upstage, I'd hear these completely ridiculous, absurdly funny comments coming out the side of his mouth. Made me smile ear to ear.

In recent years, Josh had shorter hair. But when it was long, he had the most beautiful hair I've ever seen, man or woman. I noticed that immediately, I'm sure most of you knew that too. Because of the show, he was told he had to cut it - not just a little, but from the middle of his back to about an inch above his ears. Our hair/makeup designer took him back to the prop area, and we all knew it was "The Day." Most everyone was on stage, but I was free. And so it was that I sat backstage with him, holding his hand, and I cried as they cut his hair. He was very brave about it (all for the sake of ART), but I knew it was so hard for him. And at that moment, I knew absolutely that I would love him forever, in whatever way that meant.

I still can't explain what it was about that haircut.

My friend Josh who was a part of my family

2008-12-14T11:10:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of Josh with me, friends, and family at my cousin Ryan's wedding. When I say friends and family the words are interchangeable really. My friends are my family. And Josh was family.

Josh had a way of touching everyone. People he had only met a few times - or even once in some cases - have been devastated by the loss of this wonderful man. Jennifer (the little brunette third from left in the front) met Josh only on this day. And, like all of us, fell in love with who he was. My mother only spent time with Josh on 3 or 4 occasions in the 10 short years that he was my friend and thought he was a quirky, beautiful person. Both of these people were grief stricken and cried when they found out that Josh had passed away.

That was the kind of person that Josh was. A person that you loved from the first time you met him. I think that speaks volumes about what a genuinely good man he was. His immediate family - and us, his extended family - have a lot to be proud of when it comes to Josh.

I know that what I've written above only covers the tiniest fraction of what Josh meant to us all. And in the coming days I intend to write more about my brief time with Josh. But, for now, this is all I can manage.

I love you, Josh. And I really don't like the world much now that you're not in it.

2008-12-14T01:16:00.000-08:00

The world, the Portland theatre community, many people I care about, and I lost a singularly wonderful person from our lives yesterday. Joshua was a smart, caring guy who truly invested himself in the work he did and the things he believed, and he deserved nothing but the absolute best the universe could muster for him. That, unfortunately, was not what he was given in the last, shitty hand dealt to him. There are reams of people who were far, far closer to the man than I was, and my heart goes out to them and especially to his family in this time of shock and sadness.

I was about to write that it was impossible to not be happy to see Josh, but that's not quite right. It wasn't possible to not be happy about things in general when you saw Josh. For my part, I could be having a ridiculously bad day, and could indeed be immersing myself in the ridiculousness of my bad day by venting about it to him in some histrionic manner, but even that was always laced with a certain unexplainable joy of commiserating with him. I'd be happy to have had a crappy day, essentially, because Josh turned complaining about it into such a joy.

None of that really covers it. As an example of what I'm trying to get at: on the last day Josh was really with us, I regret to say that I didn't see him - but I heard what I've overheard lovingly described in recent days as "that ridiculous laugh" elsewhere in the building, and even just that cracked me up and kind of made my day. Even before everything that happened in just the hours after, and somehow even despite that, too. I wish it could cover the next many, difficult days as well.

[crossposted]

2008-12-13T20:38:00.000-08:00

I was not a close friend of Josh . . . I've only ever been in his presence perhaps 3 or 4 times. But, in those few times, I feel like I've known him forever. And, now, I know that I will miss him forever.

I cannot be there for his memorial . . . wish that I could. But, I hope that those that do make it, celebrate his wonderful life . . . celebrate the incredible human being that he was . . . celebrate that we all for a brief moment were able to share just a spark of what he was. And, take that spark with you.

All of us should be so lucky to be warm, and sweet, and kind, and giving, and talented as "our Josh". I would love to have just a spark of what he was.

Heather Walker - Wisconsin

2008-12-13T09:02:00.000-08:00

I found this image on Brian's (Josh's brother) facebook page.

What I love about this picture is that it really shows Josh's goodness and kindness while also conveying how happy he was to be an uncle again. This is a picture of Brian and Erin's new baby, Tate, born just a few months ago.

I've been keeping my mind busy and not allowing myself to cry too much but when I saw this image of Josh this morning it was just too much and I broke down. I think there are a two reasons.

A black and white version of this amazing photo had been lovingly placed in Josh's ICU room by his family. I really appreciated that it was there as I visited his bedside late in the evening and none of his family members were there at that time. It spoke volumes about how much he is loved and why we care about him so much. Having that picture present got me through seeing him in the state he was in.

The other reason I broke down is that, like Brian, my wife recently had a baby. Josh never got the chance to see my son and now my little one will never know him the way we all did.

Remembrance for Josh this coming Monday the 15th

2008-12-12T11:31:00.000-08:00

Here's a comment from Josh's brother on a post about Josh from my other blog

This is Josh's brother. I wanted to thank you for your kind words. I know how special Josh was to me and it's obvious that he touched the lives of many.

I'm trying to get word out that there will be a remembrance for Josh this coming Monday the 15th, 5:00pm at Portland Center Stage's Gerding theater. Please come if you would like and pass along to anyone who knew him.

Thank you
Brian

Swinebread's Birthday Party 2005

2008-12-12T10:00:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures of Josh from that party. Click on the picture to get a full-size view.

Our Friend Josh...

2008-12-12T09:51:00.000-08:00

I’m starting a blog about Joshua Westhaver because our dear friend passed away on December 11th 2008 and I wanted to create a place where people could go and share memories about him. He was much loved by many different groups of people and I think collecting all the stories and feelings about Josh in one place on the net would a wonderful tribute to a great guy.

I want this blog to be a living document in that many people add to it as time goes by. Everything from a quick thought to a long rambling story is welcome here. Also, pictures, video and even artwork would be great to. I really want to help Josh’s memory live on and learn even more about him from his friends and family.

I will be asking folks to join this blog in the coming days. If I don’t know you and you’d like join please leave your email in the comments section (which I’ll delete) and I’ll invite to join the blog. (Note you have to create a blogger account). If you don’t want to join but do want to leave a story about Josh you can post your thoughts in the comments section and I’ll repost them in the blog proper.

Let’s share our memories of Josh together for all.

I’ll be making this blog more presentable in the future as time comes available.

-Swinebread